WHERE AM I??????

PREGNANT!!!!!

anyone who knows me knows how happy this makes me after 2 years of trying and those same people also know how being pregnant makes me sick. really, really sick. I'm trying my best to answer the phone and be normal but I just can't all the time. I'm craving really weird things like Jalapeno poppers from Arby's and vegetable coconut kurma where I used to want cinnamon toast and cold cereal with the girls........perhaps this means we get a small mister sanchez....that would be nice if for no other reason than the fact that I have no fewer than 6 giant rubbermaid bins full of boy clothes.....but girls are welcomed too since I have 10 bins of little girl clothes.....also having children is not about clothes by any means but this is how I gage my obsession....apparrelly speaking.
So I'm about 15 1/2 weeks or 16 (I can't keep numbers in my brain) and I'm due middle-ish of May.
It feels so weird that this is actually for real and I look at my giant sweet girls who know how to brush their teeth and pour cereal and tie shoes and I think...."what in the crap have I DONE??" Gabriel says we're too old for infants....
speak for yourself old man....
pregnant in your thirties does feel a little different however than it did in the 20's but I'll live.

so that's that.

hiatus explained.

it's 2am on black friday and I can't sleep so I'm waiting till 3:30 so I can go to Wal Mart and walk around for an hour and a half before I can buy sheets and pajamas and the battleship/connect 4 gift pack at 5am.
I will then be coming back home and sleeping until some as yet undetermined hour of the pm...
kisses...
xoxo

hm.

Every single time I buy nice things for people and think I'm very thoughtful for remembering their special days or whatever, I always negate the niceness of it by never sending the thing in any kind of timely fashion. It's kind of a joke how I can send a birthday gift in october to someone who had a birthday in July...

same with blogging.

what's the point when everything you say is belated or serrated or retarded or bloated a month after it happened....

nonetheless...

I persist.

I blog retrospectively to spite myself.

There are a few things that happen in your life that make you feel like you're really alive. Like your skin fits you and your mind can't think of anything more to be happy.

I saw the Killers.

live.

that's all I'm going to say about that because nobody really cares but, MAN!

THE BEST concert I've ever seen IN MY LIFE!

there might have been a small puddle on the cement below me....I'm just saying.

thank you my friend Jenny for letting us come with you guys!

mmmm.......glee. I'm all the way in love with Glee.

Also Rachel Zoe and Root Beer.

and also Zots and Pop Rocks and those Rock Candy lolly pops and Big Red gum.

september, september....

Seriously, I have no idea how this keeps happening....how do these months keep flying away like this? it's insane.

My little Dellah went to kindergarden and I was a disaster. It's 2 hours and 45 minutes a day and I was like I was putting her on a plane bound for Mongolia......She reads. She's so cute. I love that girl.

Ruby started preschool and keeps asking the poor teacher for homework so she can be like Dellah...I keep trying to tell her that she needs to chill out in demanding things from new teachers and that I will be happy to give her some enrichment activities in the house when she returns....

she remains unmoved.

I got this eye shadow that's royal blue and another that's shimmery chartreuse....they kind of changed my life...I find I look far more awesome when wearing blue and green eye shadow.

Help me because my children have seen the Hannah Montana movie against all of my better judgement and now are obsessed with the theme song and have to hear it 47 times in a row every day. They've never seen the tv show and never seen high school musical and never seen anything with real people in it who don't later turn to cartoons (ie Enchanted) so I thought I was safe......but I'm not.....it's that SONG! ........It's getting to me, people....I find it harder and harder to distract them with Metro Station and miscellaneous Latin artists.....

eek.

it's black, it's white

I went to the NPS store yesterday in need of everything and nothing in particular...they had tons and tons.

I have this little entry room as you come in from the garage and before you go up some stairs to the main front door entrance of my house. This little space has been a thorn in my heel since moving to my house and not knowing what to do with it or how to make it look good and be useful and whatnot. It's had so many incarnations until yesterday when, unbeknownst to my little vestibule, it was about to be forever altered by coolness.

turns out the NPS store has wall paper.

I've been looking for a wall paper solution for one of the walls down there for a long time and was working my way up to paying $75 a roll for some good paper....turns out the wallpaper in NPS is a buck......you heard me...ONE DOLLAR! except when you get this huge roll of adhesive wall paper in black and white awesomeness for $1.99 to cure all your blahness and need of something newness.

It's temporary wallpaper that just sticks like a sticker to your wall until you're done and leaves no glue behind.

It was the only one like it and the only adhesive wallpaper in the whole place.

I would like to express in words how huge the difference was but I cannot. I would like to express in words how grateful I am for the shopping spirit leading me to greatness once again. I will have to take a picture and show you my little wall with the big giant white and black patterned radness.

note: when wallpapering any kind of thing please have a partner that is over the age of 5 and knows not to take the adhesive backing off of entire large sections at a time while you're up on a ladder so the result is a sticky stuck together mess leaving you completely without extra in case you mess up which you will so you send your assistant to a shoe closet for a dum dum lolipop where she bumps a table moved out of the way for the wallpapering and breaks one of your prized turquoise sun moon and stars glasswares.......please

...and please bless that we can play with our guns...

this was what Ruby prayed for last night in family prayer....please bless dat we can play with owah guns tomowwow...

water guns.

they're new.

it's really hot.

buy some money

today i was awakened by an all dressed and ready for the day Ruby who said, "oh, man....why does papi hava goda wowk evwy day tho he can buy thom money?...." she was disappointed that it was only me in my bed and not Gabriel....

a little later we were in the throws of a giant tantrum 30 minutes after a time out for throwing a sharp edged book in a small room. I was shop vac-ing the garage and she was easily screaming louder than the echoing vacuum noise.....(so that explains that to anyone living in a 2 mile radius). We went back upstairs and Ruby informed me that she needed me to take her to gwamma's house because she needed a 'bwake.....you know, like YOU always take a bwake?'
a. i don't ALWAYS take a bwake or i would be way thinner and well adjusted.
b. who takes a break at 10am....it's 10:20 in the morning!!!
c.. what on earth do people who eat cheetos and drink juice out of princess cups while they wear tulle and satin and watch animated things need with a bwake? a bwake from what? from the lap of luxury?
she informed me that i should take her to my parents' and then dellah and i should go somewhere and then come back and pick her up....
'ruby, is this because grandma and grandpa give you whatever you want while you're at their house?' i asked her.
'yes'.

nice.
she needs a break from the lap of luxury for a first class ticket to neverland where the word 'no' doesn't exist..........
DON'T WE ALL?

so here we are at sharon and lewi's while my children sit downstairs in their underwear under soft blankets watching beauty and the beast and eating copious amounts of skittles and edible necklaces....
maybe if I could buy some money i would purchase someone to listen to their drama at my house and then I would just come here to grandma's where every body's thrilled to be alive as long as there's skittles and yeses.....

smile like you mean it

I was watching an interview with the Killers one time and they were saying, 'you know, we're just really blessed because we're really good at writing songs.' They're right. I've tried to find any song I didn't wish I myself had written and it's pretty difficult....those Killers....they're so inspirational.....and that Katy Perry girl?.....stop it....so good.

Anyhoo, my hiatus this month has been due to my extensive research and field analysis of parenting. One time a boy wanted to kiss me and I spent like an hour acting like an idiot over analyzing the whole thing and making a big deal out of it and totally made him want to run away from me and my weirdness. i cringe in retrospective horror at myself. Then I have this thing where I sit at home and take pictures of myself in outfits before I leave the house so I see how I'm going to be perceived visually when I get where I'm going and I google things and research things before I do them ad nauseum.....I play bunco....i know........but I do...I play bunco and I LOVE IT but the first time I went I was a wreck, like rolling those dice was seriously going to be so hard that I had to get that bloated, anxious feeling in my stomach that makes you have to go to the bathroom and not be able to eat or breathe properly (like during and after most dates I ever went on). now it's going to be my turn to host bunco in august at my house and I'm already losing sleep over the prizes and food and redecoration of my house..... the point is, and I wish I could figure out how to do the biggest typeface in the universe here..........

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME ALREADY??? I'M SENDING MYSELF TO HELL ON EARTH WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT EVERY SINGLE LITTLE TINY MINUTE RIDICULOUS TRITE INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL OF EVERYTHING AND I'M SICK OF MYSELF!!!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME????? S I C K O F E R I N !!! YOU'RE THIRTY T W O YEARS OLD YOU BIG FREAK! JUST BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIFE ISN'T PERFECT AND NEITHER ARE YOU AND NEITHER ARE YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR REACTIONS OR YOUR ACTIONS!!!!! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU DO OR HOW YOU DO IT....!!! AAARRRRGGHGHGHGGH!

every now and again I get these little glimpses into the world of unplanned, uncontrolled within an inch of it's life life and I find it quite diverting......then I go home and over analyze so i feel more comfortable.....

the point is that my poor children are so great and they deserve someone to be with 24/7 who has this crap figured out so they can get out from under all the sheesh and not be basketcases in cute outfits....
I've been reading this book called positive discipline for preschoolers and realizing that by the time someone is five they have got their emotional life and ideas and pre-conceived notions firmly in place......hm....well, better late then never.....I've learned many things about them and me and I have also been reading things written by people long, long ago also known as scriptures where one of my favorite little lines is 'when ye are weary He waketh morning by morning'....and also I remember in women's conference one of the speakers saying that a quiet voice came to her mom while praying abouy being a mom which said, "this is a process.....and the Lord values the process." I never think of anything as a process. I'm either it's perfect already or it's not but the evolution of myself as a parent is valued by the Lord? foreign territory. I have to believe that there will be some mercy extended to them and me strictly based on the fact that the Lord looketh on the heart, you know? I mean well and sometimes I even do well but I also gotta get my overreactions and need to be in control and uberstress out of the way....

we have a rule that once we close the bedroom door at nap or bedtime there is no more exchange between us and them....Ruby always.....and I mean every single time I shut the door even if she was perfectly content before i shut it....keeps talking and saying, 'night night'.....'night night'.....'night niiiiiiiiight, mamiiiiii!!!!!' until she works herself into a hissy fit and I have to barge back in and say, 'you know the rules!!!' and other stuff.....anyway, yesterday, i left her in there for quiet time and she started her 'bye, bye, mami' 'i love you mami'.....night night mami'....maaaammiiiiii!... ....and I went to my zen place, people....i just stood by the window and looked out of it and you know what......
she stopped.
she knew it was wrong and she stopped. no freakouts necessary. BECAUSE i have been less reactive and more patient...no power struggle necessary....

today dellah was sitting at breakfast and said, 'look we have some little ant families there.....'
I look over by the back door which is in my kitchen and saw a sizeable pile of tortilla chip pieces COVERED in little black ants with little black ant search parties further out looking for more tortilla chips......
i breathed.
then i breathed again
then one more time for luck and I said, 'dellah, that was so nice of you to want to feed those little ants, what about if next time you want to feed them you put their food on the back porch since houses are for people and not ants' kiss kiss 'go eat your yogurt....' but i still got that itchy i've seen too many ants feeling...

I'm getting there. I want happy children who love life and themselves and me (and Gabriel but me more) so recognition is 9/10ths of the law. I'm working on it.

in other news, we're having a yard sale on saturday morning at 8 along with the rest of our neighborhood so I gotta lotta work 2 do because once you start down the yard sale path and you have as much stuff as me, you start to not like any of your stuff and want to sell it all....even the stuff you thought you liked before the whole yard sale thing......because you remember that stuff is just stuff and it doesn't matter so you want to sell it all so you can have money to go and buy............better stuff...

stop the clock wouldja?

Good grief, I can't believe I'm so behind AGAIN with this chronicle.....let's see.....where to begin....ugly orange shirt lady in target trying to parent my child whilst I become irate?.....no...too bitter......ummm construction workers directly behind my house for the last nine months shaking my house and making noise at all hours?.....again....too bitter.....ummm..Dellah turned 5?.....BINGO....I'll elaborate...this girl was the first fruit of my womb and has been an actual joy to have around. While she doesn't have a real 'childlike' air about her, there is a certain appeal to 3 1/2 feet tall adults, right, or TLC would be bankrupt...

I went to this good toy store here in Sandy and got nice toys for her that I knew she would like and while we were there she became attached to this pink stuffed cat.....I told her we needed to leave it there and we could see it again another day......she said that was fine but she was going to get it for her birthday and this is how she was going to hold it while she petted it like this and this is what she was going to call it and this is how much she would love it.......when she got it for her birthday......My budget had been reached but I caved and went with her on her birthday to rescue the pink kitty from the red balloon toy store. She was called muffet and then muffin and then olivia and then custard and then ginger....i think it's still ginger. so we went to noodles and company for the usual mac and cheese and then came home so they could go swimming. Sadly I don't have a swim suit at present so I had to forgo the blissful event and watch from a chair.it was 50 degrees outside and the heater in the pool was broken. It was cloudy and windy and I don't know why they had so much fun but they did.......we then came back in the house for wardrobe change number 3 for the day and opened presents.....this little fountain has real water and a swan that swims around and a unicorn and flowers and a king and queen....I got her a couple of fairies with wings and wands that i thought could live there too and a storybook set that playmobil has of snow white.....with glass coffin and poison apples and magic mirror....great, mom but what did grandma give me because it's always better than what you give me......grandma gave her a wedding dress with a veiland a mermaid costume with fluffy tulle tail at the bottom.......beats european plastic toys any day...ruby got to be the bride while dellah frolicked like a fish....she got the special summer plasma car from target that ruby got for her birthday to make sure that absolutely no sharing would be necessary on any level since we know how impossible it is to share with your sister....six or seven months ago dellah told me of the elaborate scene she wanted on top of her birthday cake when it was time for her birthday.....being in love with all Miyazaki movies with their androgynous boys that look more like girls than the girls do, she 'needed' to have herself and Haku from spirited away on the cake, both smiling (which if you've seen it you know is impossible because haku doesn't smile.....ever....) and holding hands......sure, dellah, ok, we'll work that out (knowing full well that when the time came she would change to some flowers and butterflies and princesses or whatever).....2 days before the day I asked her what she wanted and, sure enough, she had not deviated in the least from her original conception.....great.

so i went to the world wide web and googled pictures of chihiro and haku (if you think people are obsessed with lord of the rings and elves and whatever you should look at these folks....completely obsessed with animae and all things androgynous boy children....)

I found a pretty good one after a while and then had to start looking for pictures of dellah which i printed out and went to work.....i found one where dellah's head was the same size as chihiro's and started to cut and trace and paste because photoshop is for people smarter than me.....the finished product after hard plastic lamination looked like this...
never underestimate the power of seeing your own face on a fictional character.....dellah was mesmerized and ruby was jealous that dellah was with haku and she wasn't.....good grief.

Anyway, my baby turned 5 and she knows all kinds of things and says all kinds of things and is tall and big and i can't wrap my brain around the concept that she's on that fast slope toward bigness when she won't want me to really be around.....i always ask her those desperate pathetic parent questions 'dellah will you always love me?' 'even when you're big, dellah, will you always love me so so so so so much?' 'yes, mami,' she says, 'i'll even love you when I'm 10.' i'll take it.

at least 1000 words

a long time ago we went to mexico city. apparently i'm THAT behind on my pictures. in mexico the people are very small and to compensate, they have very large things. it was all i could do to stand next to this huge thing.

but then there were these revelatory things like the angel of independence that make you feel like crying

aaaannnnddd another thing that is way too big.

my very favorite part was Frida's house. Her life and her point of view were so modern and inspiring, it was hard to even think she was born 100 years ago! that above us just simply says Frida and Diego lived in this house (she wrote it). kind of an understatement.

that's the main church in the main square of the city....that's me and Gabriel because we are cute.

then there is your friendly neighborhood shrine in a parking garage. we should really try and implement this idea here in America.

you have no idea until you see this flag in person how actually grotesquely gigantic it is....seriously I was transfixed and horrified....so so big. this was like the statue of libery of flags.

more recently like two weeks ago my mom and I went to women's conference where our cups were full and I had a million good ideas of how to be an amazing parent.......and then I came home. We went with my mom's brother's wife Aunt Theresa and my cousin Holly who has six children and lots of patience.

On saturday my mom and I and the girls did the susan g koman race for the cure. we got up at 6:00 and walked 5k downtown. this is my mom the survivor.

it's impossible to be in that environment without crying the whole day so that's what I did....i cried the whole day.

this is my little ruby 10% of the time.

this is her the other 90% of her life. funny how the ten percent somehow makes the 90% tolerable for me (with medication)

this is my little dellah faye. she is pretty.

Ruby claire turned 4 so we took her bowling.

I made her this cake because I like ruby and I like cake.

we had easter at our house. you may be thinking, man, erin looks chubby, maybe she's pregnant? nope. just chubby.

Dellah's little friend had a fairy birthday party a few weeks ago....you know me...i love a theme...

so gabriel had his 35th birthday two weeks ago and I love him dearly but there weren't any good pictures of his cake ceremony. That's about it....I decided there are so many Mexico pictures I'll do a whole post on Mexico because there are some you just have to see.

In other news one of my siblings wrote me a hate text so that's always fun.

My little sister's baby is due on my birthday! hooray scorpios.

snoasis opens in a matter of days and my saliva can hardly stay in my mouth.

sorry for the absence I've just been hanging out and reading some books with my shoulder firmly against the wheel, you know. cause that's how i roll, all stalwart and together and flawless-like.....

progress report 4/9/09

i just wrote a very clever post and now it is erased. I'm sad.

what glue?

I have just come unglued at my children. both of them. Simultaneously. Now I have that guilt where I want to chop my face off and pour lemons all over it.
They're just soo.......
so......
ahhhhhhhrrrrggghghhh.

Just humor me.

Dellah now says things to Ruby like, "I wish you were never born" and "if you don't give me that toy I'm leaving you and never coming back".

she's 4.

NOBODY told me preschool and high school produced the same attitude problems.
So then there's Ruby who Heavenly Father actually spoke to before coming to our house and gave her some uncanny ability to care more about others than she does about herself (probly to safeguard her against all the animiocity people feel towards her for crying and whining 90% of her existence). Her mind thinks like this....'dellah is sad...there is something I can do to help her....by jove, I'm going to do whatever it takes to make her happy!' 'dellah wants the Belle paper doll because she just tore the arm off of the Cinderella paper doll that she was pouting about having to play with in the first place and she already has a Belle paper doll but with plastic clothes instead of magnetic ones so I guess she really wants mine...I'll take the Cinderella with one arm like Dellah is telling me to and be happy with that because I am an angel and I worship a false god named Dellah.
'
heartbreaking really.

So, of course, the equality activist that I am does not allow me to watch this injustice 2 feet from me and not make a comment something like, "who in the world do you think you are? if you went to school and acted like this no one would want to be your friend. Ruby is a better friend to you than you are to her and you never ever ever ever ever think of anyone but yourSELF! when Jesus sees things like this He feels so sad because he always thought of others...." that's right, I threw the Jesus card out there. 'what happened to the Dellah that used to be so fun to be around? you're just grumpy and pouty and mean! why are you mean?!"

I just can't understand that much selfishness. It's about everything. snacks, toys, movie choices, pajama choices and Ruby always lets Dellah win. I feel it is my duty to make Dellah understand that nobody else but Ruby will ever be that cowtow-ing to her, especially not me.
Dellah has mad talents and qualities that I admire but this stinky trait almost overpowers them all.
Then of course after I played Ruby's advocate it was time for quiet time so I asked them to help clean up the paper dolls and put them in their respective places. Dellah helped because Dellah always is helpful and Ruby sat and ignored me and sang and played and laughed at me when I told her more firmly (almost yelling but not yet...) to stop wallowing on the carpet and come help clean her mess....
she kept laughing and at that point I did what any prideful, self-important, unhumble, lame parent would do....
"OH NO YOU DI'IN JUST LAUGH IN MY FACE WHILE I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU, STAND UP AND GET OVER HER RIIIIGGGHHHTT NOWWWWWW! RUUUUBBYYYY....RIIIIGHHHT NOWWWWW!

i suck. I should know that at 2:30 every day we need to disburse to our own rooms before the carriage is a pumpkin and we all fall apart.
I should get that they are small and they want to see what all they can get away with and let them live and have consequences quietly given to them with a calm, unfeeling voice filled with remorse for their bad choices and what must now come to pass....I should be Claire Huckstable but i am just erin.
I get it.
it's just so hard to doooooooooo!

moving on.
I got $130 of groceries at Albertson's today for $57. I saved something like $70 with coupons and in store promotions. I even got a five dollar shopping voucher for buying 5 boxes of our favorite cereal....
in sane.
there is a high associated with buying cheep food very much akin to the high achieved by finding Oilily or Catimini or Petit Batteau at DI for $1....scarily similar and one might even say, more productive on the whole than buying clothing for children that i so obviously am yet to conceive and probably shouldn't even think about because of the caliber of mom-ness I am currently producing...everyone has to eat, right?
All of this coupon saving has almost inspired me to want to cook things.
at least I have a list of things I would ideally like to cook this next week if all goes well.....which it sometimes doesn't....
now it's on to Target for more funtimesavings and inevitable things for myself that always hop into Target carts unannounced but not uninvited.

"Terrible mother saves big money at the grocery!"

I know that's not gonna fly with saint Peter. i got to pray just to make it to day...please Hammer don't hurt um...

catrachos

Hondurans are called 'Catrachos' and Costa Ricans are called 'ticos', Guatemalans are called 'Chapines' .....i don't even know why. what are Americans called?....jerky? fat? crass? smelly? we should think of another little charming word that the world can refer to us by.....cantcatchus?, toocuties? or just go the route of the central Americans and have a nonsense word...rarakis?
I ponder these things as I sit in front of my large television beside my husband who is extremely enamored by soccer as per his Mexican-ness. Mexico is playing Honduras. I love me some Honduras so it's a bit of a toss up here. Mother land of my husband or mission land of my corazon....
it's all fun and games until the game actually starts and then it's like, 'there he went....que te vaya bien...you could try to talk to him about something or ask for his help (if you were his child) and he would appear to be in the room with you but he is actually playing soccer on a far away grassy field called 'winding down after work'
Upon sensing that I must have been complaining about his inattention to mountain standard time to the great void, Gabriel just leaned over and gave me a smooch and said, "this shows you how much i love you, Mexico is playing and I am looking at you"
that's over now. Honduras just scored and there were several technical mistakes that now have to be illuminated.....and he thinks their uniforms are not cool because they have an H on them because they are from Honduras....even though H's as a rule are silent and not pronounced at all in Spanish....

moving on.
I have recently begun to think that I should be saving hundreds of dollars a month to spend on myself by becoming undeniably and heartbreakingly frugal and coupon-ish and responsible with the money I get bi-weekly....i have found a new obsession.....clipping along the little dotted lines of the little coupons with some really sharp scissors.....sccccchhhhhp, sccccccchhhhpp......so beautiful....and then there are the little newsprint ones where your scissors slide when they're in that perfect open-ness position and you just feel so efficient....so productive....so frugal!!!
I'm in my pajamas from yesterday at 8pm today and I never left the house and I didn't clean anything although I did make some dinner (in the rice cooker)....
i did clip coupons though, people. I made serious plans to be very financially responsible in the coming days....Barbies are 50% off at KMart and Crayola is buy one get one free at ToysRUs.....you know, just the staples....bare essentials for these hard times....
Nordstrom Rack opens tomorrow 5 minutes from my front door.
there are bright spots in the haze...

I seemed to have remembered that 'Farewell My Concubine' was a pretty, while tragic, film from my days with the International cinema at BYU that was worth the while.....yeah....I'm lucky there weren't any straight razors or revolvers around when that got over. and no it's not naughty you naughty people...that's the name of a famous Peking opera like 'Carmen' or something for us.

The movie that was pretty stunning visually is new to Blockbuster this week called, Azur and Asmar the Prince's Quest...it's animated and rated PG (although there are some animated boobies breastfeeding some animated babies in the beginning but who hasn't seen that in reality?) that was a seriously beautiful little movie.

ummm...it's 2 to 0 and Honduras is ahead so we've changed the channel and I should probably interface with my spouse.

post to cover up the last post i wrote which was probably very unpopular with people who think my life is better than fine so i should just shut up

When my girls want to taste some of my beverage they ask me if they can have a 'zip'.
'Mami, can i have a zip of your drink?'

My drive to pick up Dellah from school today was very different.

I usually walk around in a sort of uninspired haze like I do things and I'm happy and I feel joy but I'm not thinking anything new, you know? Not feeling myself contributing to a collective intelligence pool in the sky.

Well today I was driving alone (perhaps this is the key to original thought?) because Gabriel was home with Ruby and I got this actual flood of information about a story that I started writing in school 10 years ago. What she was motivated by and how he got there and who were her relatives and why did they matter and what were their relationships like and why and how to explain this or that thing and how the one book should actually be two and this is what they should say.

I started to cry because the feeling of an actual surge of thoughts and ideas was so different and exhilarating compared to my normal life.
I started writing these things down on the back of a wal mart receipt as fast as I could in the pick-up line at preschool and my mind was flying. So many things making sense about this one story that's been dormant for so long. Maybe that little story needs to come out and be a real thing.
i thank the Lord for some small manna to sustain my feelings of having once been a person who was pretty clever. There was as much adrenaline right then as there is after 4 miles on an elliptical machine.

I bet if I were super duper productive I would be very, very thin.

march 25th 10:49am.
original thought = $0

how good my 7-11 hot chocolate and donut tasted after said thought = priceless.

one post to make everyone uncomfortable and wish I hadn't written it

Do you know what it means every time I start my period....AGAIN!
it means another month of realizing that I'm not pregnant and my baby is going to be 4 in 4 weeks and I feel like the butt of a seriously un-funny joke.
two kids in 5 minutes and then I actually want a baby really, super bad and oops....sorry.....all out.
no babies for you.
I adore my children. I think they are the cutest, funniest, cleverest folks. I guess there's only supposed to be two of them.
there is a weird feeling like I'm not worthy or some crap like I haven't done a good enough job with my two so I don't get three?
teenagers and hyperlame people get babies the way I used to get babies....without even trying. Super nice people also get babies and get to plan their children and say, "I think I want my children 2 years and 3 months apart.....well, looky there....I'm pregnant!"
I love pregnant people. I love children. I love procreation.
I am allowed to have this one little blog where I hate everyone and all people with working reproductive tools.
there are people who can't have even one kid.
I'm not trying to please the world and pretend that I'm not sad for my own isolated experience unrelated to anyone else's experience with infertility/singleness/whatever.
I'm just mad right now that for the 16th month I have woken up on some random day different than the month before and realized that I'm not getting to throw up for 40 weeks and increase my body mass index by 47% and raise my stress level exponentially and be hooked up to an i.v. every so often to replenish my fluids.
i aspire to the sickness that ends in life.

as if there weren't enough things i feel inadequate about. as if it's a bad thing to be married and happy and financially stable and want another kid to teach and protect and love.

whatever, tampax pearl.
bring it on.

seriously

Who in the world knew that there were so many MORE things to be stressed out about than you first expected when having children. First of all, no one tells you that it really hurts when they take the placenta out of you after your baby comes out of you and no one tells you that the amount of debilitating tiredness after you have your baby makes you not remember anything and be ugly and it kind of never goes away. THEN they don't tell you that you should have appreciated your breasts in all their imperfections before because AFTER the children you are a grim shadow of your former breastness.

Then your children get larger and you're trying to make sure they have the right amounts of vitamins and wardrobe changes and meals and pacifiers that match their wardrobe changes and scriptures read to them every day and proper amounts of spanish pop music and english good music and classical music and wholesome videos and phonics and staying in the lines coloring and classic children's books read to them daily and newer children's books read to them daily and all of those books bought and read in english and spanish and timely potty training and intellectually stimulating toys and frivolous toys that mean nothing and toys that you always wanted as a child that are really for you and not your children and time spent playing on outdoor play structures and frolicking with correct amounts of SPF and positive reinforcement of good behavior and reproving betimes with sharpness and the whole increase of love afterward and preparing them to be kind to others but not so kind that they're wusses and not too mean to have to sit alone at lunch and not say "that man has a really big belly" right in front of 'that man' and kisses and hugs and endearing them to you above all others through whatever shameless methods available......

then you realize they have to go to school and have hobbies?

who is supposed to tell you what school to go to and when you even register a kid for school? Nobody tells people how to do these things. And what are my kids supposed to be good at for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES? and if I don't start them in these things last year preferably they're going to be dreadfully behind.

seriously.
who has time to make sure your children are talented, educated, safe, spiritual, beautiful, clever, quirky, funny, charming, scholarly and popular with other preschoolers? and take a shower?

impossible.
I mostly just sit with the yellow pages and think to myself....."Erin...what would you want to do if you were 3 and insane and unable to pay attention and only liked to whine and, while whining, bounced up and down in an incredibly annoying way? what about if you were 4 and thought you were the most talented person alive and already knew everything about everything and were
only being obedient when compelled by mortal fear of repercussions?"

I'm making light of a thing that haunts me daily. I'm not from Utah you know? I don't know where to take a kid for the best ballet classes or where to go for piano or violin lessons or theater workshops or singing lessons or soccer or whatever the hell else it is that every other person seems to have their children in and I don't.

Does the dad ever worry about these things enough to find out/register/lose sleep?
not in my experience.

mmmm.....the smell of....what IS that smell anyway?

Nothing smells or anything around here, I just thought I'd pique your interest by making you think something did.
This week I only took a couple of showers so it could very well be me that smells but you know you can never smell yourself the way you are smelled by others. I actually tried sprinkling baby powder on my hair to absorb some of the unshowerdness of it all on Wednesday and I was in a hurry so I didn't realize until later that I looked like one of the British Parliament members. Erin...baby powder is white. Your hair is super dark brown. What are you thinking? invest in a portable mirror already so you don't disgrace yourself further.

I wrote last time about how I was going to go to DI and I was going to write after coming home that day before I got sidetracked that I think Satan lives in DI. I love mormons and I AM a mormon and we obviously abhor Satan and his minions but that beneficent place of global welfare service is filled with things that jump into your cart and make you buy them at small invisible gunpoint. I feel so strong when I'm in the parking lot and then the cryptonite-laden doors open and it's all over. Possessed I tell you. Eeeeeeeviiiilllll.
problematic.

I am on a cash only basis now people. Money is so much harder to spend when it's actually money, you know? I'm like, '5 dollars at Taco Bell! Now i only have a five and a ten left out of that 20 dollar bill!" I have stayed within my budget for two whole months now thanks to my little leather pouch with sections for miscellaneous, food and Costco money.
are you bored yet?
I kind of am.
I'll put you out of your misery now.
there are oreo mcflurries to buy, freeze and then eat while frozen. I'm swamped.

mysterious ways

The Lord told me not to buy and Acura and to keep my Chrysler Pacifica. What kind of answer is that? If I didn't have such a long history of customer satisfaction with this particular prayer answerer I would file a complaint or try and negotiate. Like, "what do you mean I can't have that luxurious SUV? are you crazy? Do you know that Chrysler is on the short list for financial demise? yes, I understand that I wanted the Chrysler and I should have thought of that first.... Would it help if I said I could settle for the Rdx? NO? seriuosly? maybe I should give you a couple minutes since a few folks are probably in hospitals asking for help and Carrie Underwood is probably about to get in a car wreck and need you to take the wheel? ....no?....."

whatever. I guess I don't need a car that talks to me and cradles me deep in the arms of Japanese engineering while promising endless resale value and good gas mileage.

I'm sure there will be some clarity at a later date.
or something.

My chldren are hiding in a corner between the couch and a chair from some feind who is looking for both Hello Kitty AND that defenseless Corelle baby doll with the pacifier attached to her pink pajama outfit. This is very serious. They're whispering and have decided that the Bob the Builder Jack-in the-box is going to put the potential victims to sleep so they won't be feared for their lives. I don't care if they're playing south american drug cartell personally if it involves this much whispering. I can hear myself think............eh......overrated.

I got paid today for my efforts as a domestical facilitator ie my husbands automatic deposit came through today since tomorrow is the end of the month and it's not a business day tomorrow. I have allotted myself a nice portion and am now sitting here on the couch watching my children whisper and frolic and thinking of all the ways I can spend 90% of it today....Gabriel isn't going to be home until 11pm so I could :

go to DI for a disgusting amount of time and buy unnecessary stuff
Take my children to the movies AND get movie snacks
Go to Ross and (see DI description for the play by play)
Go to TJ Maxx for more of the same
Go to Target where I actually have a $20 gift card to alleviate the receipt total a smidge
Take my children somewhere stimulating and educational that they would love and I would hate
Speak with local political leaders re. Utah's part in the world issues George Clooney is interested in
ummmm....
I think I'll just take it easy and go to DI.
overstretching my expectations only leads to disappointment

just stuff

Let me just start by saying that I am so glad that I am not hiding from the 'migra' in the desert between america and Mexico...sheesh...hard times, people.

also did you know that Rite Aid is the only store in the continental US that sells the long pink boxes of Lupone Jordan almonds? just so you know. thin shelled, pretty little pastel colors...addicted since 1990.

Dellah and Ruby are seriously annoying. They are also seriously hi-larious.
The other day Dellah said, "Mami, when can we eat? I'm hungry from all that exercising you did."
Ruby is obsessed with Rapunzel. We have the story on CD and we listen to it over and over. I think it has something to do with the fact that she has shorter hair than most little girls or something but at least it's blond. There is a line from the CD, "Rapunzel was blessed with beautiful, long, flowing, blond hair". She says that all the time, 'Mami, can you see my eawings with my longflowingblondhaiw?" and "Mami, lookumee, Mami, I have longflowingblondhaiw when I wun."
They also both self-soothe in tough times with thoughts of christmas and other gifted holidays. It begins with, 'can i have this or that or more of this or that' and the answer is no....after 5 or 10 seconds Ruby then says, "I know, mami, I godda gwate idea...Santa can gimme this for Eestowe...o whaddabout he give it to me fow my happy birthday?" yeah, Ruby...santa can do that...sure....whuuuudever.
Dellah is the same...no is only an acceptable answer if the item is promised for some other holiday by some fictional giftgiver. amazing. I'm just banking on their limited memories at this point

Have you ever felt like you were on the cusp? you know, like you were cusping somehow? I keep having all these thoughts like, "I should be writing something or making something or 'being' something more than I am and I can almost see the window through which I can climb to achieve that....somewhere out in front of me..." like my thoughts are kind of congealing after so long not being able to think about stuff very clearly.
I wish I could just be great, you know? Amazing and productive and inspiring and creative on some other level. I wish I could write something really, really good...
the cusp, people...I'm on it.

another thing i do now is use an elliptical machine and drink 7-11 hot chocolate.

whatever, Madonna....and Vampires...

I was actually going to write something about how I just read online that Madonna is 50 and she looks 30. Then I decided that it would just make me loose the spirit of extreme good will that I constantly, always, consistently bear toward all human kind....

yeah.
so I knew right after I bit my first oreo cakester that my life would change. I knew when people told me not to eat nutella or I wouldn't ever be able to stop eating it that I should steer clear and I have. I knew when folks told me not to to read the vampire books that I shouldn't do it. I heard they were not well written and used a series of 8 or 9 adjectives at the exclusion of all others (ie, velvety, devastating, statue-like...). I'm all about books so I knew there would be enough to read without jumping heedlessly on the fanat-o-wagon.
Then something happened.
I went to the movie and I was like, "these people are really pale...maybe I'm a vampire?" then I thought that the dad of the vampires was hugely better looking than the main vampire and realized that I was in my 30's.
THEN we sent my car to this dude who straightens out creases in cars (since Gabriel pulled into the garage and scraped the big trash can against the whole driver's side).
When we got the car back there was no crease in the side and a copy of the first twilight book on the passenger seat.
I asked everybody...'did you put this book in my car? how did this book get in my car?" then the inevitable ensued.

i opened it.

I read it on wednesday. Thursday I went to wal mart and bought the 2nd on and read all 563 pages that day.

I now have a problem. People with addictive personalities do not need to eat highly sugared fad foods and they do not need to have the ingredients for mexican wedding cookies on hand at all times and they MOST CERTAINLY do NOT need to start reading highly elusive, poorly written, sink their nails in and hook your mind to them Vampire books!!!

my babies got their ears pierced for valentine's day. Initially I thought that particular part of Mexican culture was barbaric and whatever but now that they look so adorable I have decided any other female offspring will be pierced in infancy....They have these little sparkly rubies and they feel so beautiful....I thought for sure it would change their attitudes somehow or make them better behaved or something but they're just the same folks....accessorized.

Let's let by-gones be by-gones, ok? So I didn't write for 3 1/2 months...
so?
love me anyway!!!