Tuesday, May 16, 2006

back east

We're here in merry old Virginia with ourselves and our progeny. We're here with Gabriel's parents also that just got off a Carnival cruise to Puerto Rico...that's a pleasure. Especially when I was cutting his mom's hair this morning and she thought she would tell me that she never had post pardom depression with all six of her kids because the Lord loves her and that I should just 'animate' myself and snap out of it because she didn't have time to have depression (like I'm so lazy depression just landed on my stagnent body in the gutter or something.)...whatever. Never hurt the person's feelings that's holding scissors beside your cerebral cortex.
We had a horrendous plane ride with a reprieve in the Chicago airport when there was a reprieve in the food court with a Dunkin' donuts where I promptly bought half a dozen of these out of control creme puffs that took me straight back to my childhood before fat accumulated anywhere on me. Ruby had a fever...dellah screamed the whole way....Now we're here and we sleep in the same room...all 4 of us...so we've been waking up really early and then I've been sleeping in until noon if I can (take that, mother in law...that's right....noon!!...lazy, lazy me.)
Tomorrow we're going to williamsburg and on the way we're stopping at H&M to find some tender mercies and momentary happiness bought with filthy lucre. YES!! We're going to Busch Gardens on Fridsay...double YEs!
Before we came we went down to Provo to have a yard sale with my sister at Wymount and we made a cool $350 selling whatnots...of course that was gone mostly before we left but the best part of the day (besides the fact that my parents were there and I love to see them so much and have them see my children) was the fact that I got to go and do a girly thing with my friends at Marsha's house for Michelle's bridal shower. It was like manna in the wilderness. All these shiny girls and pretty faces...like wonderful...happy. I didn't get to stay long enough but it was a little sip of juice in a martini glass on a hot day.
Greeting from the east coast. We're sleeping on our niece's bed with the plastic sheet so I guess it's time to go try and be quiet on a crinkley mattress so we don't wake up the whole house.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

internet in the house

We finally got a g-card for the computer in our bedroom so now we can have internet connected to our apartment and not have to borrow it from Gabriel's work's computer. It's a good feeling.
My parents are in town which is always a good feeling, especially since Lewi's got the things holding his arteries open now and we've got to cherish every moment with him and gently urge him to put down the saturated fats. My mom's going to women's conference. She went to Wal-Mart and bought some leather sandals like the ones I bought for $12.87 so she could walk around in comfort. I think when you have lots of money you forget that cheap places sometimes have good things.
Speaking of money. I don't think we'll be able to get the house we wanted. Too much money. The price rose $40,000 from the original quote we got and we've been trying to make it work in an imaginary budget but you can't get apples from grapes so we mourn a little because it would have been really great.
I wanted to talk for a sec about the earlier post where I wrote about being married versus being single and say that I am very sorry if I implied or even said that one was better or easier or harder or worse than the other. I know that being married and having children is wonderful. I know that being single was wonderful too but that there is always that emptiness and a nagging lonely feeling in the bottom of your conscience even when you're totally fine and having fun. I don't want to be condescending to you. I love you. I have a hereditary Eeyore the donkey aspect to my personality that taints my writing I find. I just have all this weird anger for some reason. I have been miserable with post pardom depression since after Ruby was born and the medicine sucks and I just feel like a stranger in my own life and especially my own body, for so long I can't remember being normal. I know I say caustic things disguised as prose to somehow be able to maintain that passive aggresive thing that seems so chic to do. I am so sorry, E and M if i offended you. I just miss you and some days I miss my life without my 24 hour on-call status so much I am tempted to run away and just be 'me' again. The transition from single to married and from married to housewife/homemaker person has been really hard for me. There is a family in that group of girls we have that no husband or child can replace and a happiness too. Not to say that I don't love my family. I do. I adore them and their little selves and Gabriel and his love and company and I know I am supposed to be here and I'm happy here and doing ok, it's just a sense of loss and distance because I want to be 'there' too. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I am chubby and clogged pore-y and frumpy and other random things ending in 'y'. It's the medicine I take and the solitude that bring all this out I think.
Someone said last week that some years are questions and other years are answers. That really helped me. Not some hours or days or months but actual YEARS can be hard and trying and then some year from now I'll figure it out maybe. I know I'm just one person and I don't have the right to act like my problems are anything other than what they are...mine...I'm sorry again if I came across in any other way than sincerely in love with my friends and family...sincerely in love with God and grateful.
I am crying now.
I should stop