Friday, March 28, 2008

the good thing about the end

this week is over. It's one of those ones where I didn't accomplish even one thing and it's over before I even got going good. I don't mourn it's passing...que te vaya bien semana fea!
It's probably not over since it's only 11:42 am but I'm over IT...that's more like it.
I have 75 cents in the bank. How does this happen? I think it is called Easter/family over for easter lunch/honey baked hams are $44.
Yesterday I had one of those days where I was like, I'm going to Ross and I'm going to return this dress that I bought for an Easter dress that I didn't wear because it was stupid but I don't have the receipt so i will just have to get something in it's place.
This is one of my favorite scenarios. inevitably the 'thing' that replaces the returned thing is somewhat more monies than the initial purchase....
I don't even care.
I now have 3 maybe four shirts that make me feel cute and I am rebelling against the fact that I only have $1 - 25cents =ridiculously poor for 2 more days! My nemesis, Visa took care of those shirts for me and I'm sure I will hear the recourse heard round the world from my spouse but I'm time put some candy in my easter basket, d**n it! Then maybe I'd have $6 in my account because I didn't have to buy my own rock candy suckers and lindor truffles.
(whispering) My children are sitting on the floor letting a wind up rabbit bounce across an over sized copy of the Rainbow Fish book and they are collaborating and laughing....I am whisper-typing this so that my contentment vibe doesn't stray far enough from the screen for them to sense it and promptly start fighting AGAIN!
that's really good.
You should really start feeling this in your calves now...
keep it up.

ode to my orphaned endorphins....I think I will title a collection of poems ode to my orphaned endorphins as a way to somehow explain to myself why I am in a neverending state of chubbiness despite all the frozen hot chocolate and Cinnamon Toast Crunch I eat. Maybe just one poem. Then the collection can be called 'confessions of someone who really likes sugar'.
I am veiled in mystery.
I am one of those girls that leaves a trail of diamond questions and perfumed assumptions about my wonderfulness when I leave the room.
or something.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


how I hate biting. I don't know why children bite. I'm so glad most adults have stopped (Mike Tyson notwithstanding). I don't know when it comes to their mind that biting is going to solve all their woes.
it bites.
Scratching. Another feline quality exposed in smaller humans.
Kicking. Useful in soccer and swimming. Not so much among your peers unless you're a bucking bronco or a little donkey or something.

I just washed my hair in the sink because it was so gross and I just didn't have it in me to immerse myself in the whole shower. It was quite pleasant actually. Have you ever been that close to your sink? I noticed some scratches I didn't see before. Soft Scrub.

Have you ever had a husband who is not from this country and doesn't think easter baskets are important and you are from this country and you want an easter basket? problem.
I am not my own easter bunny people. isn't that just illegal or something?
Have you ever had in-laws from a different country who have expressly in so many words vocalized the fact that they don't approve of you and then announce that they are coming to your state to visit....for TWO MONTHS!!!!?
I sincerely hope not. Especially if you have social anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and need anti-depressants in your everyday normal life with no semi-permanent house guests. Especially if you feel all your cooking powers have left you and everything you make tastes like poop and especially if you will be left alone with them fully expecting you to entertain them (I wish I really wish I were joking or even exaggerating) all day until their son gets home all the while making three meals a day. I don't even know if I am even mentally capable of thinking of three distinct things to eat all day. This is what I eat. Raising Bran. Vitamin water. 100 calorie packs of Sandies. Spaghetti with butter and parmesan cheese and if I am really feeling adventurous...grapes. I can repeat these things any number of times during the day. I don't use ingredients. I don't make more than one bowl of multiple dishes in a meal-like array. I AM NOT THAT KIND OF HOUSEWIFE, PEOPLE!!!
help me help me help me help me help me help help help
It's not until may 10th.
I have a few more minutes.
My parents have an empty house down the street that they don't yet live in. Escape plan 1.
mostly I just obsess over stuff until it's like apocalyptic and then when it happens it's only mildly apocalyptic.
YOU like me don't you? dear void? YOU think I need an easter basket that I didn't completely stock myself and you think a month in my 3 bedroom house is a lot don't you?
you're my last hope obi wan voidnobi...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It's tuesday...that's in the neighborhood

Hard times, people. I feel my patience unraveling. I don't want it to. I totally know it's better to be calm and yet, here I am...Ruby slapping Dellah, Dellah biting her fingernails only to taste the 'no bite' stuff I put on them and be sent over the edge into screaming fits. Ruby's in time out actually kicking my bathroom door and Dellah is spitting on my carpet. Ruby can now come out of time out but she'd rather scream and tell me that now, NO, she doesn't want to leave time out. Only because now I want her too. Language fails them both...they'd rather scream. I'd rather run away. Far.....away. But then I go to jail for abandonment and I really like these people...just not right now. So I put this picture on my blog to remind me that they are not shape shifting monsters posing in human form...they are supposed to be these angel creatures with no guile and no accountability. Lucky them. I'm totally responsible for my feelings of retreat and my salivating wish that I was anywhere else. what are you gonna do, you know?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

FYI for those needing their GED

blog readability test

Movie Reviews

nice. I just tried this an hour ago and it was elementary school so I guess I've gotten more eloquent the last 60 minutes but I'll take it.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

mayhem and foolishness on Saturday

Part one.
Today was the fulfillment of every parent's dream; a reason to bribe and cajole your children for three months into doing what you want them to do. It was the Disney Princess Wishes on Ice. Gabriel was on the traxx after the opening night and saw all these little girls wearing their princess dresses. He said he thought we should get them some dresses so they could feel all special and happy and whatever. I thought about that for quite a while and I browsed the possibilities in every mercantile in my and several other zip codes. I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it. Oh, we have dress up clothes coming out the wazoo. We have superman and spiderman and tigers and ladybugs and ladies and turtles and flappers and white gloves and 12 pairs of plastic high heels but not a Disney specific dress in the bunch. And why would you go generic princess to a Disney princess event?
I wouldn't.
And then came the brainwave, halfway between the second target, the third wal mart, the first kid to kid and the only disney outlet store......PAJAMAS!!!!!!!!!
Every kids needs pajamas. Every girl loves princesses. Pajamas are engineered for comfort. Pajamas can be found with Princesses on them.
I don't think I have to say more but let me just tell you.
I had it narrowed down to a chartreuse pair and a pink pair that the girls actually picked and had bought the long sleeved coordinating t's to go underneath since it's not warm out and they were short sleeved. Stay with me.
So I'm milling around wal-mart which is where I finally ended up and after my 11th pass through the baby/kids part I see this lavender revelation....because it had long sleeves and must be put on clearance because we are forced to look at and buy summer things when it's snowing out just because it's March, It wasn't with the regular pajamas. And yet, there it was with the ugly generical onesies and dora the explorer nonsense that no one wanted from christmas.....
Now they are 18 months size but I am totally and completely ALL about kids wearing stuff until it won't even go over their heads anymore and they can't reach out in front of themselves without ripping a seam. My 3 year olds are wearing 0-3 month pants as capris and 6-9 month dresses as shirts. So there you are. No undershirts needed. Five dollars. Two of the exact same thing so we don't have to hear any of the lip and No toddlers trudging around downtown with plastic high heels and blisters.
So we have these comfy kids and we're riding the traxx which is always fun and we get to the arena and I just want to make it clear to you.....
FOOLISHNESS people........I have never in my life seen such foolishness. I am apologizing here for offending the people who bought the $20 light up wands and the $12 snow cones and the $10 cotton candy but I am not saying a thing to those people who had taken their toddlers to the hair salon and were carrying babies that couldn't even walk yet wearing so much tulle I was having severe discomfort just looking at them not to mention wondering how much money these people had spent while the 300,000th Cinderella with the curled up-do was walking by with a light up wand and a snow cone and a flounder the fish hat and a $5 program while their dad was holding the huge kettle corn and the drink and the ice cream and the twizzlers.
I want you to think I'm joking. That's what makes it such foolishness.
Anyway, we had good seats and like a complete dork I start crying right when the lights turn off and my breath catches in my throat and I'm like, 'I love the arts...I love America....I love Disney Princesses...I love five dollar pajamas.'

This is Jasmine being hurled in the air holding her leg in a split which I don't even understand still. And many more things of that nature happened making the whole thing worth seeing
So my children are now in bed wearing their memento of the day (because they can because their cute nightgown shirts are now just nightgowns) without any glowly wandy thing that would have broken on the way home and, actually now that I'm listening...they're totally not asleep...never mind. At least I can't see them.

part two.

I saw Penelope again last night. I should stop. I just can't help the prettiness and there were girls going that I like so I had to. but I really need to stop the Penelope sickness obsession.

Part three

It's a full on blizzard and I just put my orange all-weather Tommy Bahama rug on my back it's a white, frozen mat of winter and and I can't bring it in or even move it. That b better be all-weather is all I'm saying.
Part Four

I made one of those junior high mix cd's for our pediatrician of all these songs in Spanish that I like a lot and I brought it to Dellah's appointment yesterday like, "'s some music I made for you and a card..." He likes boys so I told him I tried to pick cute boys singing good songs in Spanish in case he wanted to look them up later on the internet. I felt strangely like a weird stalker girl even though he's my friend and then it occured to me that I had never made a mix cd for anyone. It's sort of stressful, right? Whatever you put on it is sort of rating your coolness factor....but Dr. Bancroft doesn't speak Spanish so he'll probably just continue thinking I'm nice. And why do I care because I'm married and he doesn't even like girls!

thanks for the memories...

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


I am now going to have a moment of silence for the movie 'Penelope' and James McAvoy in general but especially in the movie 'Penelope' ....

thank you for your participation. There was not even a single thing that I didn't like about the movie Penelop except Christina Ricci who was the star of it. Some people in the theater were like, "oh, she looks cuter with the pig nose" and I was thinking, exactly! That's it! The problem with her is that her nose is disproportionately small for her face.
Enough about that. The room she lives in and the clothes she wore and the town and the comedy that was so subtle and smart and the James McAvoy were all so o.t.h (off the hook)
so good. I want a red tree in my room and a swing and a better than Anthropologie wardrobe. Green Mary Janes. Must have them.
I then stayed at the movie theater after the 8:25 Penelope for the 10:15 Other Boleyn Girl.
I have to say I thought I liked Natalie Portman before but I liked Scarlett Johanson so much more. That girl was so pretty.
I much prefer Jonathon Ryes Meyers any time of the day for Henery the 8th...Eric Bana has this weak chin which makes me not trust him.
unlike James McAvoy.
I love Gabriel very much. Movies are just different fake story like of people. I fake story like James McAvoy mucho.
that's all. I have to wash grapes now for my fruit bats.

Monday, March 03, 2008

I'm like the most handiest person ever.

First of all, I would like to draw my readership's attention (being full aware that I don't even have a readership so this is mostly just congratulating myself) to the totally long line of linkage there to your right. I DID IT!! How long have I had this blog? Like almost 3 years? And the only 3 little things over there were done by Marsha at a party like 2 years ago. I don't know how to organize them alphabetically but I received a vision the other night of how to make these little links and, like a good Christian, I immediately came to 'template land' and succeeded. I love little visions.
Now that you are dumbfounded by my electronical prowess, let me draw your attention to the fact that I just washed my walls. I don't even know what's wrong with me because I have this huge headache and I'm hungry and I'm walking around with my new Clorox Green Solutions bottle washing all the walls. I washed the little parts of my windows where the window closes and it's always full of sheesh. I used ten thousand hundred paper towels which totally defeats the purpose of buying Clorox Green products but, you know it. I'm addicted to paper towels.
Also I just played parque (park) with my children which means that a parental figure donates their body to the cause and small children romp around all over me and want me to flip them and throw them and jostle them happily for and hour or something. Mostly I think that fathers need to be the primary bread winning parks because I just have other stuff to do but their little street urchin faces were all anticipatory and their little princess dresses were all cutely disheveled and I caved.
So now I feel as though I have exercised on top of all the other productivity I have produced with many productive products as a result.
There was this epoch in my life where all these people were like, "you look like Milla Jovovich." and I was like...'thanks'
Now she has a line at Target and I use Clorox products and no longer get told that I look anything like her....
'two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both....and that has made all the difference', right Robert? that's what I thought.
They have found me. Crap.
I am now being pulled and hit and pounded with small doctor instruments by Ruby who is yet to even say a single word so I have no idea what she's even on about at all. She's just all screamy and annoying and I thought They didn't know I was up here.
So now I have to be the Doctor because for some reason it's just so much fun when I fake take their temperature and fake listen to their pulse and fake look in their ears with fake plastic doctor paraphernalia....
But wait..
I can add this to my list of accomplishments.
....did not completely go out of my mind all the way yet and it's a whole 12:57pm...
I need seriously really and honestly need a jamba juice. not a very big one. just a jamba juice and a salad from Cafe Rio and a creme horn from Wal Mart....
i totally deserve it.
like totally.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

sabado is saturday

It has been a week filled with the surreal. listed in reverse from most recent they are.
1. I just looked out my bedroom window to see my husband pulling out of the driveway in a white BMW but he had to stop for the other white BMW that was passing to get to its home down the street.
2. I went to Meridian Title Company yesterday and signed the words 'Sharon Tuttle by Erin Elaine Sanchez her attorney in fact' about 5000 times and now my parents are my neighbors.
3. I somehow spent $400 yesterday (which is, by the way just shy of all the money that I have for these two weeks) on food! (and some body wash and that Eckhart Tolley book that everyone's peeing themselves over to see if it's the shiz or not. I'll be the judge of that.
4. I woke up reluctantly on Thursday to find that Gabriel was working from home. Then I got my offspring dressed and we went to take Dellah to pre-school. As we approached the school there was an eerie lack of mile long line of parents in SUV's waiting to pick up their small children. There were no lines. There was no one. There was no school thursday. I would know this if my child were not a hoarder and didn't stuff papers and school calendars and bits of string and hair clips into strange and very small places where i find them weeks or months later which doesn't help me on thursday not to look like an idiot and doesn't help me period in the feeling that I have sufficiently passed OCD to an innocent child who is really alarmingly strange.

I think that's enough. I only got back 3 days and I can't remember wednesday and tuesday and it's all starting to freak me out anyway.
Freaky like the fact that I haven't really ever been a chocolate person at all, I'm more of a hard sugar/rock candy/blow pop person and lately I am completely engulfed in my need to eat see's candy and hershey's kisses. What is going on! I can't even help it. I'm chubby and I can't even help it. I have zits and I can't even stop myself. My hair is so ugly it makes me want to throw up all over the mirror and my pants are tighter and I'm like, BRING ON THE CHOCOLATE!
I have a problem.
Another freaky thing is that I cleaned out all my clothes the other week and got rid of about 123 pounds of clothing and shoes and decided that I would be my own Stacey London and get rid of all my little old navy zip up hoodie things which all happened to be black. And now what am I doing? well, people, now I am wearing my husbands boy zip up hoodie which is navy and too big and I'm wondering why I thought I was never going to ever be casual again with two toddlers and no housekeeper. Again. Self Sabbotage 101. Never expect too much of yourself's just mean when you're cold in your house and you're not wearing your own hoodie. I don't care if navy is the new black, I want my hoodie.
The weather took a turn for the British today it looks like. I hope we get one more little snow and then let that be that. It's all been fine and stuff but when winter is over it's just over and i am over IT. Plus, then Snoasis can reopen and I can begin my warm weather addiction of shaved ice which makes me feel better than chocolate because it's technically just $3 water and you can wear short sleeves. it's raining.
I guess this is what saturdays are for. sitting. waiting for your spouse to return with your bag of easter wrapped hershey kisses because you just ran out of the valentine's wrapped ones and watching rain trickle all over stuff.