I was watching an interview with the Killers one time and they were saying, 'you know, we're just really blessed because we're really good at writing songs.' They're right. I've tried to find any song I didn't wish I myself had written and it's pretty difficult....those Killers....they're so inspirational.....and that Katy Perry girl?.....stop it....so good.
Anyhoo, my hiatus this month has been due to my extensive research and field analysis of parenting. One time a boy wanted to kiss me and I spent like an hour acting like an idiot over analyzing the whole thing and making a big deal out of it and totally made him want to run away from me and my weirdness. i cringe in retrospective horror at myself. Then I have this thing where I sit at home and take pictures of myself in outfits before I leave the house so I see how I'm going to be perceived visually when I get where I'm going and I google things and research things before I do them ad nauseum.....I play bunco....i know........but I do...I play bunco and I LOVE IT but the first time I went I was a wreck, like rolling those dice was seriously going to be so hard that I had to get that bloated, anxious feeling in my stomach that makes you have to go to the bathroom and not be able to eat or breathe properly (like during and after most dates I ever went on). now it's going to be my turn to host bunco in august at my house and I'm already losing sleep over the prizes and food and redecoration of my house..... the point is, and I wish I could figure out how to do the biggest typeface in the universe here..........
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME ALREADY??? I'M SENDING MYSELF TO HELL ON EARTH WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT EVERY SINGLE LITTLE TINY MINUTE RIDICULOUS TRITE INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL OF EVERYTHING AND I'M SICK OF MYSELF!!!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME????? S I C K O F E R I N !!! YOU'RE THIRTY T W O YEARS OLD YOU BIG FREAK! JUST BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIFE ISN'T PERFECT AND NEITHER ARE YOU AND NEITHER ARE YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR REACTIONS OR YOUR ACTIONS!!!!! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU DO OR HOW YOU DO IT....!!! AAARRRRGGHGHGHGGH!
every now and again I get these little glimpses into the world of unplanned, uncontrolled within an inch of it's life life and I find it quite diverting......then I go home and over analyze so i feel more comfortable.....
the point is that my poor children are so great and they deserve someone to be with 24/7 who has this crap figured out so they can get out from under all the sheesh and not be basketcases in cute outfits....
I've been reading this book called positive discipline for preschoolers and realizing that by the time someone is five they have got their emotional life and ideas and pre-conceived notions firmly in place......hm....well, better late then never.....I've learned many things about them and me and I have also been reading things written by people long, long ago also known as scriptures where one of my favorite little lines is 'when ye are weary He waketh morning by morning'....and also I remember in women's conference one of the speakers saying that a quiet voice came to her mom while praying abouy being a mom which said, "this is a process.....and the Lord values the process." I never think of anything as a process. I'm either it's perfect already or it's not but the evolution of myself as a parent is valued by the Lord? foreign territory. I have to believe that there will be some mercy extended to them and me strictly based on the fact that the Lord looketh on the heart, you know? I mean well and sometimes I even do well but I also gotta get my overreactions and need to be in control and uberstress out of the way....
we have a rule that once we close the bedroom door at nap or bedtime there is no more exchange between us and them....Ruby always.....and I mean every single time I shut the door even if she was perfectly content before i shut it....keeps talking and saying, 'night night'.....'night night'.....'night niiiiiiiiight, mamiiiiii!!!!!' until she works herself into a hissy fit and I have to barge back in and say, 'you know the rules!!!' and other stuff.....anyway, yesterday, i left her in there for quiet time and she started her 'bye, bye, mami' 'i love you mami'.....night night mami'....maaaammiiiiii!... ....and I went to my zen place, people....i just stood by the window and looked out of it and you know what......
she stopped.
she knew it was wrong and she stopped. no freakouts necessary. BECAUSE i have been less reactive and more patient...no power struggle necessary....
today dellah was sitting at breakfast and said, 'look we have some little ant families there.....'
I look over by the back door which is in my kitchen and saw a sizeable pile of tortilla chip pieces COVERED in little black ants with little black ant search parties further out looking for more tortilla chips......
i breathed.
then i breathed again
then one more time for luck and I said, 'dellah, that was so nice of you to want to feed those little ants, what about if next time you want to feed them you put their food on the back porch since houses are for people and not ants' kiss kiss 'go eat your yogurt....' but i still got that itchy i've seen too many ants feeling...
I'm getting there. I want happy children who love life and themselves and me (and Gabriel but me more) so recognition is 9/10ths of the law. I'm working on it.
in other news, we're having a yard sale on saturday morning at 8 along with the rest of our neighborhood so I gotta lotta work 2 do because once you start down the yard sale path and you have as much stuff as me, you start to not like any of your stuff and want to sell it all....even the stuff you thought you liked before the whole yard sale thing......because you remember that stuff is just stuff and it doesn't matter so you want to sell it all so you can have money to go and buy............better stuff...
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6 comments:
i love you! i am happy to be reading your thoughts. since i've been sick, i've been taking myself down a few levels on the "gotta do, gotta be" stuff-o-meter and i am liking it a lot. the kids are happier and so am i. it definitely IS a process and i am happy to be reminded that the process counts. thanks. can't wait to see you!!!
Erin you are so funny! I love reading your blog! And don't worry about bunco! Whatever you do will be so much fun! You could serve us dirt for dinner and we would all be happy! So don't stress over it! And keep blogging because your posts crack me up!
Lyndsie
flarnk - maybe i should get a little sick so i stop stressing?!
linds - that's nice...i never thought of dirt but that's an idea!
I don't know you, but I've been reading your blog for about a year now, and I feel I have to comment on this. You worry so much about everything you're doing wrong, or might be doing wrong, but based on the things that come out of your kids' mouths, you're doing a great job.
As you said, there is no perfect and if there were it would probably be pretty boring. Could you imagine your girls devoid of the spunk they've gained from having you as a mom? As a long time nanny, I've met those kinds of kids and they freak me out much more than kids who want a 'bwake'.
And a childcare tip from me that always made me feel better. When the kids had really snapped the last nerve, I would tell them that I needed to yell for a second because I was cranky. I would then yell 'AAAAAAARGGHH' into the air, not at them or anything else.
It was usually enough to get any aggression out so that I could reprimand reasonably and because it wasn't mean words flying at them, they weren't frightened. Win-win situation.
So, chin up. You are not inferior. You are awesome. And don't believe what you read on other peoples' blogs or think you see in your short glimpses into their worlds. The Stepford Wives looked like they were doing a killer job, too didn't they?
you're pretty rad Erin. I'm glad to know you.
Erin, I'm not sure if you remember me from the Brigham Apartments, but I found your blog on Liz's links. I stop by every now and then because I love reading your posts. You are so real and honest. You say what every other blogging mother wishes she could say, but can't because it's not "perfect." Anyway, about this mothering stuff, I feel this way ALL the time. I am constantly back and forth in my mind about my quality of mothering and I freak out because I don't have anything figured out yet. (I also used to get sick, and I mean full on sick, whenever I had a date with a boy! So I feel ya.) Thanks for being such a cool example to me; you always have been.
Sarah Mugleston
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