gumby

I think I know my new favorite words. "Hey, Ruby let's blah blah blah blah blah blah together!"
That's what I heard when I lowered them out of their booster seats and wiped the cereal off of them. Then I had what I had heard others talk of and always marveled at. 25 mintues of children playing together. They're back now but I can take it. I've had 25 minutes. Dellah just came up asking to talk to her hijos...I'm not sure if she has any children that I don't know about but whatever, Dellah.
I take the same wellbutrin every day. I only menstruate once a month for a couple of days. I'm absolutely positive that I have had a difficult few weeks sans chemical/hormonal imbalances.
I have learned slowly that I can get to the end of those stretches and be ok later. The last 4 days have been very good. There is still crying and screaming and biting but there always was and I don't expect it to go away. It's the lawlessness that's ceased...the helplessness..
I have extended myself beyond the bounds of previous extension. I have felt the fear and done it anyway. I called a friend from Salt Lake and she came over on monday for lunch with her son. I invited friends over for lunch on Tuesday and we had a total of 10 kids for a few hours. Yesterday I answered the phone every single time it rang except once when i was up in my closet packing for a trip. Tonight I go to a callback for another dance number in the Christmas concert.
I registered Dellah for pre-school yesterday.
All of these things seem simple to pretty much everyone else who lives in normal life but I am only just now, after 30 years of life, realizing that people are not scary. I am taking breaths and putting things in perspective before I do them. I have noticed that my nervous laughing has greatly diminished. I am not the only person in life without a script. THERE IS NO SCRIPT! amazing.
If you feel I am being overly dramatic I will tell you that my entire childhood I never one time invited a friend to come spend the night at my house. I never invited anyone to come and do anything with me for the anxiety of not knowing how it would all turn out or what I would say or do to keep the person entertained the whole time. I think I am a nice person. Why would somebody not want to talk to me if I invited them over? And I haven't had a therapist since February! I know! progress!
Tomorrow we leave to go to San Ramon, CA to visit my brother and his family and my sister and her family and her new baby and my parents. I'm going without spousal accompaniment but I'm going to the dollar store later and I think I'll be fine for tricks.
It'll be the last time I get to see my mom for a long time since, in two weeks, she'll start chemo and not be able to be around germy kids. We'll have to make the best of it. I was talking to my pediatrician, Tim, last night and he said I needed to go to San Francisco to a dance club called Mezzanine while I'm out there. He said they would let me past the velvet ropes. He says all the cute boys would spin me from one dance floor to the other and I would forget my cares and feel like a princess. I think he just wants to live vicariously. He is very cute. go to the artichokes & co. website http://www.artichokesandcompany.com/artichokes/ and click 2007 splendor. He's the one in the brown bathrobe in a kitchen holding a mug. Yeah...that's really him. How often does your pediatrician moonlight as a model and call you to chat? very cute.
I don't think I'll go to a dance club but we'll have fun.
I'm all out of dinner ideas. I don't like making dinner. I thought the gumption and desire to make dinner would come with the whole wedding thing but they elude me. I wish I was Kimora Lee Simmons and had a chef. and a driver. and an assistant. and a clothing line. and an endless budget. Actually I totally don't want to be her but the chef is a thought.