Wednesday, January 27, 2010

my chemical romance

I think about bi-annually I become aware that I cannot stop taking Wellbutrin and still be normal. This is, in itself, pretty depressing, not even considering the actual depression necessitating the medication.
Do you ever feel like you just have a broken part in your life? Mine seems to be my inability to be Claire Huckstable and my children's inability to stop bossing each other around and speaking to each other like poop and crying those tantrum fits I've now been enduring for 4 years and 10 months from Ruby.
Yesterday I had to lock myself in my room and tell them I didn't want to look at them right now. Tonight I had to have that 'come to Jesus' speech I feel like I have about bi-annually (directly correlating to my attempts at lowering my milligrams and flying solo) where I laid down the fact that I can no longer live with no peace in my house.

I have this sinking feeling that I have irreparably damaged my children. I have this sneaking suspicion that without the super nannycoming to my house in her british taxi I may have no hope of surviving. I wish I were even kind of kidding but I'm not. I wake up every day and I think 'today is the day I'm not going to lose my cool and I'm going to be the version of myself I most want to be and I adore my children and I'm going to make sure they feel warm and smooshy inside every time I look at them'. Then by like time to leave for school I have already been a dork about putting on shoes at .2 miles per hour or ruby has had a cow about taking off her shirt and not being able to find the spot where she just put it....and she screams for 25 minutes without stopping about 10 different things before she stops or Dellah has just used 5 year old sarcasm when I say to her calmly, 'if you're not done with your cereal in 3 minutes we're going to have to leave it unfinished' and she replies "OH SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE? IF I DON'T EAT I'LL DIE, MOM! I CAN'T JUST HURRY, I'M CHEWING..."

yesterday at DI with my 4 and 5 year olds both screaming at the tippy top of their capacity like 2 year olds, i said to myself outloud....'i am in hell...i actually am in hell and this is actually my life'.
what am I doing wrong?
I'm like crippled by feeling that my kids are going to hate me or that they already do or they are scared of me or I'm going to hell or something.

There actually are lots of things to be happy about, I just have this creepy 'you're the absolute worst parent on the planet or your kids wouldn't be so horrid' feeling....
I just gotta get some perspective. sorry for the downer. i love you dear void.


Jackie said...

Erin, I know you're posting was to the void, but I just happened upon this article today and thought, "You have to read this."

Get rid of the "Bad Parent Fairy." We all go there. I have a dependency too. I like it. It helps me be normal and be me.

Todd and Jenn said...

Is there a gene that comes with being a mom where you can be completely confident in your life and then suddenly with becoming a mother we feel this weight of insecurity that who we are and how we mother isn't enough. From an outside perspective of having taught both your
girls in nursery and sometimes in primary you can tell those girls are being raised not just well, but amazingly. I know this was just for the void, but wanted to share :).

Baker said...

Oh Erin.
If only you and I could just sit down and talk. I just went back on Zoloft (after yet another attempt at "flying solo"). I fear I have damaged my daughters as well, not coping well with my anxieties and failing to be a consistent, stabilizing force in their lives. I think we need counseling maybe, to repair damage, maybe intervene while they are still young. I often hate the mother that I am, highly functional in most areas of life, but failing at the thing that matters most. Is it temperament? Is it selfishness? Is it just life? Are some kids harder, higher maintenance? I think so. Alex tells me the girls' anxieties and tempers are the result of short fuse, my "edginess." Super Nanny would likely agree. So I go back on meds-because that's the only way I can seem to stay married and survive motherhood. I hate it. I struggle daily to accept who I am, to try and improve despite it all. It does feel like hell at times and I suppose this is what the "enduring to the end" part was all about. Anyway, I guess I just want to say, that at some level, I understand.

erin T to the S said...

jackie i read that article. it was so good. thank you

jen-you're so nice, thank you. did you leave your gray coat at my house at Bunco?

Laura-i've known you long enough to know that you are harder on yourself than anyone else would be on you. Thank you for being honest. i wish we weren't separated by so many miles!!

holly said...

i love you! you have such a talent when it comes to expressing yourself. your "voice" makes a difference for those who can't put their feelings into words! i know the feeling of madness swirling around and creeping in and out of every pore of your body. i know the sensation when the steam begins to boil and pulsate through your veins. i know the resentment of having made spontaneous outburst/actions towards a little person that has no idea "why" your behaving the way you are. i also know the "want" to be free from a tiny be weaned and be "normal"! i have excepted the fact that my "normal" is better on zoloft than it is off! my obgyn told me the other day that i may be on it the rest of my life.....i can deal with that because i am a better me on it than i am off of it! you are not alone! i love you!

erin T to the S said...

love you too, holly! thanks.

andi said...

You could always try my simple plan for getting children to behave. I calmly look them in the eye and say, "Stop it now, or I will bury you alive in a box." Works every time ... and no bothersome co-pay for the Rx.

I'm thinking of writing a parenting book called, "Stop it now, or I will bury you alive in a box."

JenW said...

i love you. i always felt way more insecure when i was pregnant too....chalk it up to that and keep smiling. love you tons!