knock, knock, who's there?

So I woke up this morning with my same resolve to be a better parent and the girls seemed to be cooperating so I was glad. I've mentioned before that Ruby isn't quite sure of any of the abc's or shapes or colors, etc and any effort to try and have her focus on them ends in a prompt search for something/anything else for her to focus on....After breakfast, Ruby brings this big preschool preparedness book over and says she wants to 'wite innit'. This happens about once a week that Ruby wants to feel like she has assignments like Dellah and I get to patiently sit with her while she just scribbles all over the book. There's a page for each letter to practice writing it and those are just a joke normally but today I was feeling full of the essence of good will toward all so I said, "would you like to learn about 'R's since your name starts with R?

She said yes so we started tracing R's and then it was time to freehand it and I braced myself......and then she drew a vertical line.....and then a fat belly to the mid line.......and then a diagonal line from the belly to the bottom line......by golly it was an R!

I had such a big cow of overjoyment that she felt compelled to learn u's as well.....and then b's and y's.....at the conclusion of this exercise in larynx weakening cheers and sighs over her motivation to excel at something/anything, i asked Dellah (who was making it clear the entire time how good she already is at writing these letters, needing me to say, 'you're right, you are such a big, smart girl and now you can help teach Ruby!') to go get a piece of white paper so I could see if it were possible to put this all together.

the child wrote RUBY.

she just wrote it. The girl who can't find the shirt she just took off and can't switch from house to car or car to other place or even living room to bedroom without an extreme show of inability to calm down and stop screaming. The girl who called her own sister Wooby for over 3 years and can't figure out the intricate mystery that is 'putting on your socks', learned to write and wrote her name 10 minutes.

the lights are on and someone's home!! these are the moments i have to savor because tomorrow, chances are, she'll act like it never happened.

there's this part in Mansfield Park where Fanny and Edmund are in the carriage after a long separation and Edmund says, "I should think you and I are beyond words when words so clearly are not enough......and then he puts his hand down on the seat and she puts her hand down beside his and then he inches his hand over hers and later he falls asleep and leans on her shoulder as she looks down at him....."
that's all.
I'm in love with that movie.

i used the crock pot today. We're having chicken toastadas and beans and I'm very domesticated. I've even done 3 loads of laundry
.....now who's going to fold them? I miss Josefina and how she used to come and clean our house. I used to think she wasn't very thorough and now I wonder what I was thinking....

did I mention we sold our Chrysler Pacifica a couple of weeks ago? I know! I'm so excited.....you know what this means, don't you? This means that an acura mdx is going to come and live with us and we can love it and pat it and squeeze it and call it George. the auction is in Vegas next friday.....hopefully Gabriel can find something good and bring it hither so I can stop driving his car and picking him up at the traxx every afternoon. can you really get a baby and an mdx in the same year? I wanted both of these things for years and now they're coming like magic.....belated, delicious magic....I feel like the dread pirate roberts with nothing to do now that i've had my revenge....
maybe I'll fold laundry......
or take a nap......or a shower.....or a break...

my chemical romance

I think about bi-annually I become aware that I cannot stop taking Wellbutrin and still be normal. This is, in itself, pretty depressing, not even considering the actual depression necessitating the medication.
Do you ever feel like you just have a broken part in your life? Mine seems to be my inability to be Claire Huckstable and my children's inability to stop bossing each other around and speaking to each other like poop and crying those tantrum fits I've now been enduring for 4 years and 10 months from Ruby.
Yesterday I had to lock myself in my room and tell them I didn't want to look at them right now. Tonight I had to have that 'come to Jesus' speech I feel like I have about bi-annually (directly correlating to my attempts at lowering my milligrams and flying solo) where I laid down the fact that I can no longer live with no peace in my house.

I have this sinking feeling that I have irreparably damaged my children. I have this sneaking suspicion that without the super nannycoming to my house in her british taxi I may have no hope of surviving. I wish I were even kind of kidding but I'm not. I wake up every day and I think 'today is the day I'm not going to lose my cool and I'm going to be the version of myself I most want to be and I adore my children and I'm going to make sure they feel warm and smooshy inside every time I look at them'. Then by like time to leave for school I have already been a dork about putting on shoes at .2 miles per hour or ruby has had a cow about taking off her shirt and not being able to find it.....in the spot where she just put it....and she screams for 25 minutes without stopping about 10 different things before she stops or Dellah has just used 5 year old sarcasm when I say to her calmly, 'if you're not done with your cereal in 3 minutes we're going to have to leave it unfinished' and she replies "OH SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE? IF I DON'T EAT I'LL DIE, MOM! I CAN'T JUST HURRY, I'M CHEWING..."

yesterday at DI with my 4 and 5 year olds both screaming at the tippy top of their capacity like 2 year olds, i said to myself outloud....'i am in hell...i actually am in hell and this is actually my life'.
what am I doing wrong?
I'm like crippled by feeling that my kids are going to hate me or that they already do or they are scared of me or I'm going to hell or something.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There actually are lots of things to be happy about, I just have this creepy 'you're the absolute worst parent on the planet or your kids wouldn't be so horrid' feeling....
I just gotta get some perspective. sorry for the downer. i love you dear void.

victorious

Water flowing on the rocks, people. Erosion. That's what I am....water.....or maybe acid. i wore him down. My dear husband has decided that my name is, indeed, quite a good name contrary to former disdain for the same.

Theo Gabriel Sanchez

yes.
i am in one of those false senses of reality where you actually DO get what you want from life if you're a big enough stubborn jerk about it....

it's just the right name. Theo. It works. I'm content. If you hate it keep your mouth on the downclosed cause i don't need no hateration during my gestation.

hooray for me and my small little mister who kicks my bladder and makes me incontinent.

current food cravings: orange dream machine from Jamba juice and life cereal.

current happiness at finding Kate and Leopold, AND Mansfield park on DVD at DI today....immeasurable.

it's a man child

that's right people...the sanchezes are making a boy...as we speak. What we will name said boy is a hurdle. girl names are just better than boy names but I'll work it out. It doesn't help that Gabriel hates the name I have arrived at after having my 10 year name of choice used twice in the last 6 months...he seems to think that he has a right to name his child or something....
i object.
if you can't push the baby out, you can't have final say in what the baby is called. I don't negotiate. You know how many times a mom says the name of her kid on average per day? It has to be upwards of 500 times. I went to Ross today and must have called Dellah 75 times. then in DI i think i easily said Ruby's name 168 times....when they're both together, let's say in Target I spend the ENTIRE TIME saying some form of, 'Dellah y Ruby! vengan por favor....ahorita....Dellah y Ruby...me estan escuchando?"

yeah, when you get home at 7pm 5 days a week, and you think you're gonna decide the name of MY kid that I get to call 437 times while you're gone, you've GOT to be kidding me.
If only we could agree.
If only Gabriel didn't like the name....nevermind....perhaps some of you like the names he likes too but we gotta work this out, people.

three words: Sherlock Holmes
two words: Robert Downey Jr.
one word: yessssssss

other word: Avatar
something else: pretty amazing how much it makes you want to have a tail and no nose to speak of after 3 hours of 3-d glasses

current food cravings...chili cheese fritos
current need to go to the bathroom....urgent