internet in the house

We finally got a g-card for the computer in our bedroom so now we can have internet connected to our apartment and not have to borrow it from Gabriel's work's computer. It's a good feeling.
My parents are in town which is always a good feeling, especially since Lewi's got the things holding his arteries open now and we've got to cherish every moment with him and gently urge him to put down the saturated fats. My mom's going to women's conference. She went to Wal-Mart and bought some leather sandals like the ones I bought for $12.87 so she could walk around in comfort. I think when you have lots of money you forget that cheap places sometimes have good things.
Speaking of money. I don't think we'll be able to get the house we wanted. Too much money. The price rose $40,000 from the original quote we got and we've been trying to make it work in an imaginary budget but you can't get apples from grapes so we mourn a little because it would have been really great.
I wanted to talk for a sec about the earlier post where I wrote about being married versus being single and say that I am very sorry if I implied or even said that one was better or easier or harder or worse than the other. I know that being married and having children is wonderful. I know that being single was wonderful too but that there is always that emptiness and a nagging lonely feeling in the bottom of your conscience even when you're totally fine and having fun. I don't want to be condescending to you. I love you. I have a hereditary Eeyore the donkey aspect to my personality that taints my writing I find. I just have all this weird anger for some reason. I have been miserable with post pardom depression since after Ruby was born and the medicine sucks and I just feel like a stranger in my own life and especially my own body, for so long I can't remember being normal. I know I say caustic things disguised as prose to somehow be able to maintain that passive aggresive thing that seems so chic to do. I am so sorry, E and M if i offended you. I just miss you and some days I miss my life without my 24 hour on-call status so much I am tempted to run away and just be 'me' again. The transition from single to married and from married to housewife/homemaker person has been really hard for me. There is a family in that group of girls we have that no husband or child can replace and a happiness too. Not to say that I don't love my family. I do. I adore them and their little selves and Gabriel and his love and company and I know I am supposed to be here and I'm happy here and doing ok, it's just a sense of loss and distance because I want to be 'there' too. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I am chubby and clogged pore-y and frumpy and other random things ending in 'y'. It's the medicine I take and the solitude that bring all this out I think.
Someone said last week that some years are questions and other years are answers. That really helped me. Not some hours or days or months but actual YEARS can be hard and trying and then some year from now I'll figure it out maybe. I know I'm just one person and I don't have the right to act like my problems are anything other than what they are...mine...I'm sorry again if I came across in any other way than sincerely in love with my friends and family...sincerely in love with God and grateful.
I am crying now.
I should stop