flashes of clarity

I am so not a morning person as my parents can painfully recall I'm sure. I have homicidal tendencies when awakened by someone that isn't myself exactly when I want to wake up. This has posed a problem in parenthood and then I heard some life changing advice from that sage counselor, that learn-ed man....Steve Young. He said, after the BYU game on Saturday which I still get a little tingly thinking about...anyway, he said in response to that annoying sports interviewer who asked him, "what have you learned from being a parent of little kids?"...he said "selflessness...you better figure out how to get selfless really quick and your life will be so much better". Genius. It sounds so basic and is so hard to practice. I don't know a whole lot of folks who enjoy putting most all of their needs and wants and druthers aside all day every day. I'm working on it so when I hear the pitter patter of small people invading my otherwise peaceful, it's snowing outside so it's not even light in the room, perfect temperature and so much space now that Gabriel is gone to work sleep...I immediately start praying not to have a cow. So far there have been no cow births.

I woke up at 4:45 the day after Thanksgiving to go shopping with some girls here on my street. We went to Wal Mart, Target, Old Navy, Toys R Us, Shopko, Downeast Home and another Shopko and Starbucks for some hot chocolate and pastry. I basically had all my Christmas shopping done for the girls so I bought about 9 movies, a red crock pot, a dust buster and some stocking hangers.....all these other people were totally trying to make others happy at 5 in the morning and I'm like...what can I buy for myself....then later on, Gabriel, feeling much the same sentiment as I did, drove us all to Sears where we bought a television larger than our children so that they can be even more frightened of Scar on the Lion King than they already are. good times.

Remember Josefina? Yeah, she's gone. We now have Ruth who is from Peru and is in our ward. She lives here with her 22 year old daughter who is seriously like this tiny little insanely beautiful wood sprite and her 15 year old who is mentally handicapped. Her husband is in Peru and they're getting a divorce and she lost her job as a nanny recently so Cinthia (the 22 year old) works like 20 hours every two weeks at $9/hr and that is what they live on besides the baby-sitting that Ruth does and the Medicaid that Nathalie gets. So sad. And you know the saddest part....that amazingly intelligent and beautiful girl has never been on a DATE! out of control. She spends her whole life with her mom and sister and had to stop studying at college so she can help pay for their life. It's enough to make me want to call Ty Pennington if they had a house to redo. Anyway, in order to help a smidge and have her feel like she is also working, we have Ruth come to clean one week and babysit the next, then clean, then babysit. For $100 every 2 weeks we have a date and clean showers. Also, she is actually the kind of person who genuinely is in love with little kids. She speaks this really fast, really slurry Spanish in a baby voice and they just think she is the best thing ever. This morning I heard Dellah asking Gabriel after tiptoe-ing in my room if that was Hermana Carbajal in my bed....no, he said....that's your mom....like always. I could hear their disappointment....THEY LIKE HER MORE THAN ME!
whatever. I like her more than me too.

So I've started playing primary music on CD while my children eat breakfast to try and squelch potential fights and then read them the little comic book Book of Mormon from the 70's to try and give them some perspective. I'm pretty sure every little bit of spirituality that you try to have counts somehow even if you don't see any changes immediately. Monday I taught Family Home evening about the commandment to love and honor your parents....we listened to "When my mother calls me, quickly I'll obey" about 400 times until they knew it by heart. That made it easier 5 minutes later when they were ignoring my pleas and pulling each other's hair and kicking. At least they're making an informed choice to break the commandments. Knowledge is power people.

I have a practice tonight in the Conference Center for the Christmas concert and, from the looks of it, It's not going to stop snowing any time soon....nice...life-threatening feats to be one of 140 people dressed exactly the same and one of 8 maids a milking (we have two buckets by the way, did I mention that I am dancing with a wooden bucket in each hand?...yeah...awesome)
I'm teaching a Spanish class for the Relief Society on Thursday night....tell me actually and without too many jokes what you would want to learn from a Spanish class like that. So far we don't have a second one scheduled so it might be the only one.
te amo. adios.
I just realized how many times I have said the word 'I ' in this post and it's a little nauseating. just so you know I know.

Dia de accion de gracias

In Spanish this day is called, not just thanksgiving, but 'day of the action of thanks'. I've thought about what the actions of thanks are and how I don't really do any of them and that probably means that I suck on a lot of levels but I am actually very grateful for how nice my life is. I think that to some, my life would seem ideal and even idyllic. I think that if I take an inventory and list all the bad (which I will right now) I will still probably come up grateful....let's try.
bad:
1. I used to be a good writer and have all kinds of creativity coming and going from my mind. Now I am a blank because I am depleted mentally most of the time.
2. I can't wear my cutest clothes because my body is my enemy.
3. I have probably always been totally messed up but I have never taken medicine every morning and night, reaffirming to myself that I am flawed and un-whole and less somehow because my brain doesn't make norepinephrin.
4. My mom has cancer and chemo and no hair and no energy and I feel like I'm looking in a mirror of the future every time I talk to her or about her and that scares me.
5. My baby has epilepsy and has seizures every time she sleeps and isn't the same as other kids her age and I feel when I am all by myself that it is somehow my fault for taking prevacid while I was pregnant or getting pregnant so soon after Dellah (even thought it was an accident) or falling on a staircase in remote Mexico at 26 weeks.
6. I have to make my life fit around therapy sessions for Ruby and Neurologist appointments for Ruby and make sure that Ruby takes her 2.5 mL of Keppra twice a day and make sure that I walk the line between insanity and love because when she's older she's not going to know how loud she cried and how much it made me want to hide....she'll just remember if I did hide...so I don't.
7. I don't contribute in any way to my own financial life. I haven't had a job in 4 years. I don't particularly want to go to a job every day but there is a sense of agility and freedom that come with knowing you can do it yourself...or at least some of it. I looked at my resume the other day and tried to imagine actually giving it to an employer right now...absolutely no one would think I could do anything except dress mannequins at Baby gap or teach Mormon missionaries.
8. I live in the same state with my sister who I haven't spoken to since my birthday in October and before that since last Christmas and that just feels like a small version of a lesser degree of glory.
9. That same sister lives 15 minutes from her husband's family and my little sister lives 5 minutes from her in laws and an hour from her husband's grandparents and my brother lives 30 minutes from my sister-in-law's parents. All of these people can go and do things and go on trips and have help that they don't have to pay or bribe and I don't have anyone.
10. I have hemorrhoids. bad ones. it's gross.
11. I feel like I should have another baby and Gabriel doesn't want to go through 40 weeks of sickness just to have no sleep and more crying kids....I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father is more on my side.
12. I can't see. I'm on the last contacts that you can have before you have to wear glasses over contacts for more correction and everything is still all blurry.
13. I can't find my necklace with the block of wood on the chain.

As you can tell, there are some cons. Every life has cons but I think, basically, I would probably, in most cases choose my own crap back out of a pile of every one's all together.
My children are happy and have all their limbs. They make me laugh and I can't even stand how cute they are sometimes. My husband is just unbelievably good. I mean, really. Every day I'm positive there's got to be a catch. I have a warm house. I have a new house. I have a good car. My mom and dad are alive and I can talk to them whenever they answer the phone. I am one of the 8 maids a milking in a PBS Christmas special....I just found the Charlie Brown Christmas movie in another effort to make sure that my children have every single toy and book and experience that I ever had as a child which they will totally need therapy for and I seem to revel quite a bit.
I love the scriptures. I love the gospel. I am truly positive that Heavenly Father answers prayers and I am always happiest when I do what he wants.
I have wonderful and brilliant friends who inspire me. I have good teeth. My body hair is blond. I don't have cochlear implants. I speak a foreign language and I always know when Latinos are making fun of me. I have a $90 sweater from Urban Outfitters that is the only thing I have ever spent that much money on and it makes me feel happy. My dove deodorant doesn't leave white marks on my clothes just like the commercial says. I made sweet potato souffle today for part of Thanksgiving and it was magically delicious. We went to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium this morning with the girls and we didn't have to leave for anyone screaming uncontrollably or wetting their pants. I got up and did Pilates this morning in an effort to quell my appetite for later which didn't exactly work but I felt better about it. My hair is growing out to a normal length for someone with my bone to chub ratio. I'm just positive that the Savior really does live to grant us rich supply and I can be the best version of myself if I just try to be more like Him. Yesterday in the car, Ruby said, "Mami, estoy muy feliz" all in one sentence like that...out of the blue...the most unhappy, inconsolable child I have ever met who has spent her life exhausted and wordless told me she was very happy. How in the world can I think that I'm un-happy?
I have practiced the action of gratitude.

oh well

I was just sitting here up in my house for like a week waiting for something to happen that I could blog about instead of the same old crap like poopy diapers and runny noses and what I either am or am not making for dinner.
The problem we have now is that there actually isn't anything else going on at present so i suppose this post will be extremely short.
Like about this long.

unapologetic travel log

Hello, it's me, Erin. It's been a while. I'm sure you were all salivating to know what I've been doing and I aim to please. So, it was my birthday road trip which everyone else has already blogged and gotten over it but it all started with a hot juicy burger in Wendy's.

Happy Cindy...

and this was one of the other passengers on the trip who I can neither confirm nor deny being Marsha Ellis in Wendy's who seriously deserved a burger.

now that the pg rated part of the post is over, I can move on to the mostly g-rated version. In short, it was more fun that I have had as a solo entity in the world for at least 5 or 6 years if ever. I love these girls...look how cute Emily is.
I would not recommend eating anything from this particular Chinatown location p.s. and especially don't buy any fish because some of them are floating upside down. It is burned into my brian...that poor little pez. Later in the day, however, I did get, from Hector the smiley Mediterranean waiter, THE MOST FLAVORFUL AND FULFILLING COCA COLA ON THE ENTIRE GLOBE! and several of it's refills.

H&M was slightly disheartening but that didn't stop me from buying some good items (one of my favorites is a black smocky thing that Eric the disfunctional h&m employee forgot to take the magnetic thingy off the bottom of and now I'm not sure what to do except wield a hammer to remove it) alas. I also bought $23 lipstick from Sephora which is devastatingly good and a wonderful knee length cardigan from Urban outfitters which I straight up copied Cindy on but hers is tan and mine is gray. I must also add that I am glad I had spent my money in Vegas because there was this mouth wateringly tempting boutique in a gas station bathroom in Nowheresville. COME ONNN! so funny

We all needed that trip on very different levels. For me it was a validating and almost rediculously emotional thing to feel like I was a friend to these folks who are so smart and pretty and funny and they actually still like me even though I'm a housewife which must mean that all my cool has not yet worn completely off. (I also really love some other girls that weren't on the road trip very very much) So, thank you road trip girls and thank you kind Jetta for delivering us from evil.

This is Cindy proving that she can stuff an entire plate of green jell-o in her mouth at once. Small pleasures. Then I turned 31. Not that exciting. Here I am being 31. I think I look more excited than I am but it could be my pocketed t-shirt or my block of wood on a chain from H&M to thank for the smile.It was a pretty great day. Gabriel stayed home from work and we went to breakfast and on a walk and to Downeast Home to buy this out of control awesome ottoman which is a gint square.

Then we ate pizza and cake and went to bed and two days later was Halloween which looked like this: (ruby's a turtle not a frog)

and this

I am pretty glad that october's done and that Christmas is coming but come on retailers...let's have Thanksgiving first already!!! sheesh.... I bought an autumny wreath and one of those totally domestic metal wreath hanger things to go on my front door so we look all suburban and welcoming. Now I keep fantasizing about all the other wreaths there must be in the world what with my ultra snazzy wreath hanger. I'm not sure I needed one more department to freequent in every store but c'est la vie. Maybe I'll take a picture of my wreath and show you so you'll know which house is mine when you come for cider and homemade biscuits.....