so here's the thing

So here's the thing. I shop at Wal Mart. I shop there and I go there and I like it. I save so much money and I get things I need and I like it. Here's another thing...I don't change my underwear every day and I come down here to the internet room while my children are sleeping sometimes and I'm totally ok with both of those things. Wanna know another thing? Sometimes when I'm out and I'm at the end of my rope and I need a coca-cola product and I don't feel like buying some kiddy orange fruity crap for my children....I pour coca-cola in their sippy cups and watch them chug away....I drink coca-cola and I like it.
yep
I do these things.
You know what else I do? I just chew gum sometimes instead of brushing my teeth because I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE BRUSHING THEM!
Here's one. The other day I was in DI and some guy looked at me and my crying 2 year old and said, "Good G_D, Why don't you control your child!" to which I responded, "EX-CUUU-SSE ME, SIR? (to which he replied, 'you heard me') (to which I replied) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU COULD CONTROL A TWO YEAR OLD WHEN THEY'RE CRYING? THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR OPINION! (at the top of my lungs). After which I meandered around the store pretending to look at things while my blood returned to a simmer. You just absolutely SO DO NOT go there with me. I totally went hos on that dude (and no, he was not mentally challenged, however, testicularly remains in question).
I do my best, you know? I don't read fashion magazines because they make me feel bad about myself. I don't hang out with snobby people because they make me feel bad about myself. I don't read trendy parenting magazines telling you what Brad and Angelina's baby eats breakfast in because....you get the picture.
My new house is going to be built in the very same parking lot as a wal-mart....wal mart and lowe's actually and I'm pretty stoked. I can just ride my bike there to get milk at midnight.
and I like it.
you know what else? I totally want the refrigerator with the television in the door so that I can watch meaningless television when I eat cereal or make food. I love television.
I love sugar.
I love saturated fats.
I love carbohydrates in all their forms
I love meat
and I cry when I hear cheesy mormon songs on the Sounds of the Sabath.
I have back fat.
I have front fat.
I have grey hair.
I have mid-digital hair on my ring fingers.
It's possible I have toe fungus.
I only read my scriptures a few times a week.
I hardly ever make it to all three hours of church.
I hardly ever make it through the day without thinking something terrible or mean or cruel and probably saying it after I think it.
I love buying things and returning them and feeling like I have free money to buy something else.
that's the thing.
I just am all of these things and I just kind of always will be until I am like Jesus and that just has to be ok.
Sometimes I feel like people try to be someone they think they should be and I'm just too tired to do that. I'm too tired to make dinner. I'm pretty glad it's friday because I like fridays.
Tonight I am going to the movies with my friends because that's what friends do. Now I am going back upstairs because that's what mothers do.

pushing it

Today we went with GAbriel to get a CT scan on his head to make sure that his headaches were just migranes and not tumors or something...that was 12:30 and then after an hour or so we dropped him back off and work and went to Draper to look at Downeast Home for some Pottery Barn good at Target prices....then we went to TJ Maxx and then I ran over my stroller because both of my children were screaming and I forgot to put it in the trunk...the stroller is fine...then we went to Sandy to drive past the huge dirt area that rarely changes but we like to call it 'home' and got a happy meal and came back to Salt Lake where we went to the Health Department to pick up my INH prescription (I'm a public health hazard so I have to go to the 'infectious disease' office once a month right next to the HIV office) and then we went to DI where I saw Zendina and then we went to Hires Big H but they didn't have a peanut butter milk shake so we went to pick up Gabriel from work because it was 6. Somewhere between the big plot of dirt in Sandy and seeing Zendina in DI I realized that I was totally pushing it with my children. They were miserable. They were all sticky and dirty and frizzy and wrinkled and I was like, ONE MORE THING...JUST ONE MORE THING....ME, ME, ME....poor things. We go days without leaving the house and then we have these marathon things. moderation.
I wish it was easy for me to understand what has happened to my body. Amazing, really, when you think that I used to prance around life in a leotard and tights and not look that bad and now, well, I look 'that bad'. Blah blah, two kids, blah blah...I don't think that's an excuse when there are people that look teeny and they have 4 kids and I don't even seem to be losing one pound after having Ruby. I feel a strange indignance towards it. I'm so mad, actually. It's a weird feeling to have been something. I read the other day that you can't live in what you were or what you hope you will be...only what you are. I suppose that's true but I'm not throwing out the teeny pants just yet. I just can't do it. In my mind I'm normal...in the mirror i'm dillusional.
Gabriel goes out of town tomorrow AGAIN to Mexico until Friday...that's right robbers and theives...come and get us....
I have this little tin box of solid watercolors that I got in the kids department and I can't stop painting retarded things all the time...I have no idea what I'm doing but I really like it.
Wednesday I have the pleasure of cutting off Zendina's dread locks which are well past her bottom. She's ready to do it and I'm ready to help. It's a new day.
I like the sound of a washing machine and dryer going at the same time. It makes me feel the thrill of productivity with the comfort of slothfulness.
:)

Sunday things

I was thinking today about how all these love songs talk about Sundays and rainy sundays and sleeping in on sundays and relaxing and movies and whatnot....I think if mormons thought really hard about it, most love songs don't really apply to us.
Today I taught relief society about prayer. That was good since I really like praying and prayer almost to a fault. I think you should pray about pretty much everything and therefore, there is probably a backlog of answers to most of my petitions but I think I'll keep it up.
Then we had a meeting with the stake presidency where they released Gabriel as the second counselor in the bishiopbric.....whew! I finally get my husband back on sunday afternoons, I get to have help going to church, I get to see him on tuesday nights, I get an extra lap to try and juggle babies on in sacrament meeting while they spit raisins on my silk stuff......and then in the next breath they called him to be the FIRST counselor in the Bishopbric....oh well....for that nanosecond, it was nice to be 'released'...now back to the grind.
I stood outside the nursery door today for a while and watched through a little crack how big my Dellah is and how she learns about Jesus and talks and plays....it's surreal. I taught her (since we live next door to the Salt Lake Temple and see it all the time) that the Temple is Jesus' house and now she says "mira mami, templo, casa de Jesus'....cute
I guess I have a few years before she actually goes there and realizes that you don't actually SEE Him in his house (or at least I never have) and thinks I lied...for now it's cute.
Mexico beat Iran in their first game of the world cup...I can't believe I even know that but Gabriel is a little obsessed with the whole thing so VIVA MEXICO!!!
speaking of Mexico...the inlaw thing has simmered down since we got calls from both of his parents yesterday apologizing and we figure it's better to forgive than fester in hatred, racism and terrorism...what?
I got some nice things at Anthropologie the other day because Andi said I should tell Gabriel that getting some nice things at Anthropologie would make up for my current emotional strain...like a business transaction...you buy me this, I forget about THAT!...
I got a nice little bowl made of ceramic leaves and some perfume and a belt...which was too big and I'm taking it back...not big, good, big, bad..
The truth of the matter is, there has GOT TO BE a special corner of Heaven for people who can change some of these diapers I've been changing lately and keep their lunch down...I swear to you!....rancid.
I think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby looks like she's going to be a mouth breather and I think that's pretty funny because she's just a baby, not the shroud or Tourin or something. I love how famous people have babies and all of a sudden it's like famous people invented 'the baby' when I'm pretty sure Eve invented the baby...well, God, but Eve too.

wednesday already

It's funny how time flies. It seems like it was just sunday and now we're halfway there again! This morning, my little Ruby woke up before Dellah and we had a few minutes alone to eat cereal and chat and she crossed her chubby little arms to say the prayer. When those little firsts happen sometimes out of the blue, I really feel like all is right in the world.
Zendina came over today and we swam in the pool downstairs and chatted about things. It was a very nice visit.
Most of the times, I've noticed that the anxiety of a future event is not nearly comparable to the drama that event actually holds....since I was a little kid I've always been the type to not invite people to have sleepovers (or I suppose the adult equivalent to that would be just a visit) because I would get all stressed out about not having enought fun toys or my house was boring or I just would run out of things to say in my mental scenario. It never ceases to amaze that if I just calm the heck down about hanging out with people, it most always turns out completely normal and low key....seriously, the baggage we all lug around! It's atrocious!
I made a pretty good birthday cake for Dellah's birthday (my first maternal baking experience) and I realized that all the flavors you thought only your mom could create with edible ingredients, actually can be recreated by following a recipe...I would almost prefer that they stay unattainable somehow because that would make the fact that all the other sensations of childhood are more dull now, a little easier to 'swallow' as it were.
hooray for buttercream icing.
Hooray for babies in their diapers playing with water.
Hooray for the way chlorine makes your hair feel like you have product in it.
hooray for inlaws that tell your husband you're a witch and you're the reason he's changed for the worse creating a huge family eruption...
wait.
no.
not hooray for that.
viva mexico and all your antiquated ignorance!!!

Dellah Eve

tomorrow is my first child's second birthday. Once I get beyond the sheer impossibility that I even HAVE children, the fact that one of them walks and talks and refuses to obey is yet another hurdle to jump...two years old...what a little joy she is...truly the light of my life.
She is getting a wooden puzzle with magnetic fish on it with a wooden fishing pole and a magnet on the end of it. I'm sure it will be stone cold hit. Speaking of cold stone....the other day I went in and asked for the smallest to go pint and they gave me like a half gallon thing and charged me for the small one. We also signed up for the Birthday club so they just sent Dellah her free coupon to let her parents get ice cream on her birthday becuase she doesn't know any better. Viva Cold Stone!!
Tonight is Michelle and Ryan's wedding reception and we are going to see them and any people who may be going to see them as well at the Springville art museum. Long drive but worth it.
Have I mentioned that all systems are go again for the Sanchez townhouse in Sandy this winter! Hooray for the Sanchezes. I can't stop thinking about having my own 2106 square feet to do whatever the bleep I wanna do and have us all sleep in appropriately separate bedrooms and have my parents or any other visitors not have to sleep in Dellahs room and have her glow worm going off at all hours of the night. Two words...stainless steel appliances....ok, three words...ok, one word...whew!!
I have to get myself and small people dressed to go so I'll write more later.