absence

So I haven't written for over three years. That's a long time on the internet since usually there are moment to moment replays from people's lives everywhere you look. Here's the thing; The blog haunts my life. It's in my head all the time saying things like, "you know you would feel better if you just wrote it down," or "There's a reason why facebook and instagram are so unfulfilling....because no one really cares and your life can't be encapsulated in one sentence and it's just depressing to see how someone's lunch is more important than you having a baby," or "Seriously, Erin, write! WRITE! just write something already, you're shriveling up like an old prune from lack of expression!" 

so.

today.

I have begun again.

I have listened to myself and I will just write. I absolutely know that it's not grand central station for blogs up in here and no one really even reads it but I just need to... I just gotta get it out! and by 'it' I just mean 'whatever'. Because having my whole story written down and largely unacknowledged feels better than snippets here and there on social media any day. It's about me, not you, dear void.

ready set go!

Have you ever looked at the people you love from a distance? I did, just the other day which was odd because I sort of feel like they ARE me and I hardly ever separate them from myself mentally, but this was one time when Gabriel took Dellah, Ruby and Theo in to Cold Stone and I stayed in the car with Lucian. I sat there looking through my windshield, and through the window of Cold Stone at these four people who were just four more people in a crowd and nobody around them knew or valued them. They were just folks. I saw them in the context of real life. My husband was super handsome. My girls were so tiny and thin and still so little even though I think they're so big now. And Theo, who fills up our house with noise and chaos and talk, talk, talking and mostly annoys everyone, was just this teeny tiny little three year old boy with a big head and sweet cheeks. It made me think how nice it feels to belong to someone and that when you're in a crowd, you still matter to somebody somewhere. I saw them as fragile humans. I wanted to love them more and treat them better. It was sobering and sweet at the same time.

Now I feel sick from all the cliches so I'll move on to pee. If only Theo would pee in the toilet...if only I didn't pee every time I cough or throw up...which happens a lot lately....
help me potty fairy. Come in the night and make Theo want underwear and preschool and the $11 my dad put on the mantle for the time he ever decides to use the potty...

 I have this (new) house I live in. We changed an awful lot about it before we moved in but we left a lot the same too. The other day, Theo opened the door of a built in bookcase by the basement fireplace and said, "hey, what's dat smell like in dayer?"

it's 1978, Theo....1978....

some things you can't get rid of...

like me.....I'll be back soon...