So I haven't written for over three years. That's a long time on the internet since usually there are moment to moment replays from people's lives everywhere you look. Here's the thing; The blog haunts my life. It's in my head all the time saying things like, "you know you would feel better if you just wrote it down," or "There's a reason why facebook and instagram are so unfulfilling....because no one really cares and your life can't be encapsulated in one sentence and it's just depressing to see how someone's lunch is more important than you having a baby," or "Seriously, Erin, write! WRITE! just write something already, you're shriveling up like an old prune from lack of expression!"
so.
today.
I have begun again.
I have listened to myself and I will just write. I absolutely know that it's not grand central station for blogs up in here and no one really even reads it but I just need to... I just gotta get it out! and by 'it' I just mean 'whatever'. Because having my whole story written down and largely unacknowledged feels better than snippets here and there on social media any day. It's about me, not you, dear void.
ready set go!
Have you ever looked at the people you love from a distance? I did, just the other day which was odd because I sort of feel like they ARE me and I hardly ever separate them from myself mentally, but this was one time when Gabriel took Dellah, Ruby and Theo in to Cold Stone and I stayed in the car with Lucian. I sat there looking through my windshield, and through the window of Cold Stone at these four people who were just four more people in a crowd and nobody around them knew or valued them. They were just folks. I saw them in the context of real life. My husband was super handsome. My girls were so tiny and thin and still so little even though I think they're so big now. And Theo, who fills up our house with noise and chaos and talk, talk, talking and mostly annoys everyone, was just this teeny tiny little three year old boy with a big head and sweet cheeks. It made me think how nice it feels to belong to someone and that when you're in a crowd, you still matter to somebody somewhere. I saw them as fragile humans. I wanted to love them more and treat them better. It was sobering and sweet at the same time.
Now I feel sick from all the cliches so I'll move on to pee. If only Theo would pee in the toilet...if only I didn't pee every time I cough or throw up...which happens a lot lately....
help me potty fairy. Come in the night and make Theo want underwear and preschool and the $11 my dad put on the mantle for the time he ever decides to use the potty...
I have this (new) house I live in. We changed an awful lot about it before we moved in but we left a lot the same too. The other day, Theo opened the door of a built in bookcase by the basement fireplace and said, "hey, what's dat smell like in dayer?"
it's 1978, Theo....1978....
some things you can't get rid of...
like me.....I'll be back soon...
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Sunday, May 23, 2010
the heir apparent
On May 4th at 10:34 a.m. I had this baby.....Theo Gabriel Sanchez
I'm pretty much all the way in love with this baby. He weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces and was 20 in. long. He was actually due yesterday, the 22nd but my water broke at 1am on the 4th and that was that....my first experience not being induced and I did surprisingly well not controlling the entire world for a few minutes. Look at that baby!!! please....another blond, white, blue eyed morsel for me to nibble. stop it...
he's one of those babies who really doesn't want to cry. He'll do it for a few seconds and then he pretty much looks for any excuse to stop. He, of course, at 19 days old, is clearly a genius to anyone observing. He actually smiles when you ask him to....he laughs when the girls are joking around and he has rolled over 3 times from his tummy to his back....yeah....Doogie Howser, step aside.
It goes without saying that two five year old girls, which both of mine are right now, and a small male baby who is so cute and living in our house goes something like this......."MOVE, it's my turn to stand beside him...."....stop, he doesn't like it when you do that! You have to do THIS!" "We have the cutest baby in the whole world, mom....everyone else's baby isn't so cute....isn't he the sweetest cutest baby of all the babies, mom?" "Hi, Theo, do you want to play with this...look!...it's my bear! Can he tell it's me mom? Can he see me? Why is he always sleeping?" "This is my baby brother, his name is Theo, he has a lot of hair doesn't he? He's so cute, isn't he....he smiles when things are funny!" "Mom, can Theo see our house? Does he like our pink walls? Does he know us? When I'm 8 will Theo still be a baby? Because when I'm 8 I want to hold him standing up instead of sitting down"......
I'm pretty much all the way in love with this baby. He weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces and was 20 in. long. He was actually due yesterday, the 22nd but my water broke at 1am on the 4th and that was that....my first experience not being induced and I did surprisingly well not controlling the entire world for a few minutes. Look at that baby!!! please....another blond, white, blue eyed morsel for me to nibble. stop it...
he's one of those babies who really doesn't want to cry. He'll do it for a few seconds and then he pretty much looks for any excuse to stop. He, of course, at 19 days old, is clearly a genius to anyone observing. He actually smiles when you ask him to....he laughs when the girls are joking around and he has rolled over 3 times from his tummy to his back....yeah....Doogie Howser, step aside.
It goes without saying that two five year old girls, which both of mine are right now, and a small male baby who is so cute and living in our house goes something like this......."MOVE, it's my turn to stand beside him...."....stop, he doesn't like it when you do that! You have to do THIS!" "We have the cutest baby in the whole world, mom....everyone else's baby isn't so cute....isn't he the sweetest cutest baby of all the babies, mom?" "Hi, Theo, do you want to play with this...look!...it's my bear! Can he tell it's me mom? Can he see me? Why is he always sleeping?" "This is my baby brother, his name is Theo, he has a lot of hair doesn't he? He's so cute, isn't he....he smiles when things are funny!" "Mom, can Theo see our house? Does he like our pink walls? Does he know us? When I'm 8 will Theo still be a baby? Because when I'm 8 I want to hold him standing up instead of sitting down"......sheesh....
Mostly I appreciate his lack of estrogen and all the accompanying tears, words, emotions and drama that go therewith...
I had quite forgotten the sweetness of baby's breath and fingers and the softness of their hair and cheeks and the explosiveness of their poop....It is such a pleasure for me to remember them with this little muchacho....I always knew I wanted a boy so that theoretically I could have a boy and whatever else that meant but the reality of him is just so totally delicious I wish I were less tired so I could look at him all the time. I'm noticing the lack of sleep unraveling my mind just a smidge but what's new....hopefully I can sleep one of these weeks and start my ascent to life and responsibilities again. So there you are....Everyone this is Theo....Theo, meet everyone....
Mostly I appreciate his lack of estrogen and all the accompanying tears, words, emotions and drama that go therewith...
I had quite forgotten the sweetness of baby's breath and fingers and the softness of their hair and cheeks and the explosiveness of their poop....It is such a pleasure for me to remember them with this little muchacho....I always knew I wanted a boy so that theoretically I could have a boy and whatever else that meant but the reality of him is just so totally delicious I wish I were less tired so I could look at him all the time. I'm noticing the lack of sleep unraveling my mind just a smidge but what's new....hopefully I can sleep one of these weeks and start my ascent to life and responsibilities again. So there you are....Everyone this is Theo....Theo, meet everyone....
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
registery
So I have been convinced by my mom and sister that having a baby shower for your third kid is fine since it's going to be a boy and I've only had girls....I'm just going to be ok with that.
Today I went to Babies R Us to register for whatnot and thingamajiggers and it was so hard!
I'm not really one for asking for stuff from people be it help or sticks of butter so it was more difficult than I expected. I kept finding myself thinking..."i hope people don't think I actually expect them to buy this swing, I just have to ask for everything, right? is this a good bottle namebrand? I should have done more research....where am i going to put THAT? I definitely shouldn't get that!...what if no one comes to my shower and I look like a presumptuous dork for asking for anything?"....
imagine that. me overthinking something....
anyway after an hour and 45 minutes i get to the counter to return my ray gun and the girl says, "ok...this was a good start but you're going to want to come back at least one if not 2 more times to add to this because you've only registered for 38 items and we recommend 88 to 120 items...."
WHAT? all that internal drama for 38 items?
Everyone knows I don't need clothes. I'm not padding the list with things I don't need so I don't know what else to do....maybe I'll go back tomorrow and click 25 more packs of diapers or something....
i don't think I told you that Ruby fell on her face about a month ago on my parent's tile floor and her tooth got hit and 2 1/2 weeks later I look at her and her tooth is dark....really dark....
the dentist said the root wasn't dead or broken and it was a bruise.....
this sunday I looked at her again and her tooth is white! imagine that...I never expected a tooth to heal like that. I always thought once brown, always brown...what a pleasant surprise.
i have started a strange awakening....i will always be a DI first type of girl but, recently, I have started thinking, perhaps there isn't anything wrong with buying cute clothes from retail stores for my children to pair with great things from DI. When I saw the look on Dellah's face this morning when she put on her new Naartjie pants and they looked so cute and she felt so cute I was convinced. I have saved thousands of dollars on clothes. it's alright for the poor mites to feel shiny and new every so often.
unfortunately the type of person I am requires restraint in all things or excess is soon to follow...
I must be on guard. I must not get too comfortable with retail...
30 weeks pregnant.
must eat at least 1 drumstick ice cream cone per day.
have not worn maternity clothes yet because everything I had was basically maternity wear anyway.
need to pee once an hour.
need to cry once an hour.
need to yell once an hour.
need to stop.
Friday, February 05, 2010
you know what this means, right?
So we go to the Jordan Child Development Center so Ruby can be evaluated again by these professional people with the school district and it's special services. These were their words after an hour and a half with Ruby........."Man....she's a hard one. This is a tricky one..."
ya think?
A kid who's been raised exclusively in Spanish who speaks exclusively in English who has all these charming social skills and knows a lot of stuff and figures out that Heavenly Father can give us hugs because he has bones and confirms that Satan cannot give us cigarettes because he's a ghost with no bones. This same kid today points to brown when asked to find gray; brown when asked to find black and gray when asked to find brown. She never has never ever known the name of the color yellow calling it gween or owange every time she's asked. Today, where's yellow? oh, there it is.....on the yellow dot. what? She doesn't know over from under or what her ankle is called but she can jump on one foot and skip, both of which are kindergarten age skills.
so you know what this means...
yeah, she has another appointment to meet with other folks to sort out her "red flags" as it were, but not till the end of march because that's how they roll....
Gabriel works so hard. He comes home late at night and goes in early in the morning every single day and never complains. He gets paychecks and doesn't spend any of them on himself. He really is that one Bryan Adams song about everything I do, I do it for you and so forth. So, 5 months ago when Mexico gets drawn to play the first match in the world cup against South Africa, IN South Africa and he applied for tickets online, I was fully supportive of his excitement that he might get to go.
today he found out.
he got the tickets.
ok.
I'm happy for him.
......I have a baby on May 22 and he flies to the farthest continent from here on June 5th spending thousands of dollars on airfare and etc, being gone for 10 days.....
you know what this means, right?......
I get whatever stroller I want......I mean WHATEVER stroller I want.....I mean money is no object, my manchild will be strolled in whateverthehell stroller I want....that's what that means.
Today we were having our after school snack of nachos during the time of day when the girls both have come unhinged from fatigue and punch drunkenness and there is usually uncontrolled laughing and yelling and disregard for parental utterance.
Friday is the only day of the week we can have quiet time because it's a short day at kindergarten so Dellah gets out at 1:55 instead of 3:35. Knowing that there is a possibility that I could rest makes me anxious to get the show on the road already but, as part of my new and improved zen parenting movement, I show great restraint giving calm warnings and speaking rationally while being met with utter deafness and escalating mayhem...Seven tortilla chips with cheese on them, people...not even the big triangle ones, but the little scoopy ones and they've both got 3 left after 20 minutes? i don't think so. I could feel the tea pot starting that boil where you can almost hear the whistle but not quite and I didn't yell. I didn't physically harm them. The crazy got to it's apex and i calmly took their plates and put them by the sink informing them that they must be out of their minds if they think I'm letting them sit there and waste any more time....yes, i said, 'you must be out of your MINDS!'
as per a prior post, you well know that Dellah then launches in to her "Mom, I'm going to STARVE! I'm going to starve and throw UP!" in her most defiant tone, a preview of 10 years from now in technicolor, to which I replied, "I am giving you a swat on the bottom (which i did). You NEVER speak to me like that....EVER." All with the utmost love and sternness.
I grabbed their hands and walked them both upstairs explaining that consequences cannot be avoided and I'm very sorry they chose to disobey but I have to be a good mom and this is what good moms do.
In 5 minutes they were both lying down in their respective quiet time spots giving me kisses and saying 'night, night' with nary a thought of nachos to be had.
you know what this means, right?
something.
ya think?
A kid who's been raised exclusively in Spanish who speaks exclusively in English who has all these charming social skills and knows a lot of stuff and figures out that Heavenly Father can give us hugs because he has bones and confirms that Satan cannot give us cigarettes because he's a ghost with no bones. This same kid today points to brown when asked to find gray; brown when asked to find black and gray when asked to find brown. She never has never ever known the name of the color yellow calling it gween or owange every time she's asked. Today, where's yellow? oh, there it is.....on the yellow dot. what? She doesn't know over from under or what her ankle is called but she can jump on one foot and skip, both of which are kindergarten age skills.
so you know what this means...
yeah, she has another appointment to meet with other folks to sort out her "red flags" as it were, but not till the end of march because that's how they roll....
Gabriel works so hard. He comes home late at night and goes in early in the morning every single day and never complains. He gets paychecks and doesn't spend any of them on himself. He really is that one Bryan Adams song about everything I do, I do it for you and so forth. So, 5 months ago when Mexico gets drawn to play the first match in the world cup against South Africa, IN South Africa and he applied for tickets online, I was fully supportive of his excitement that he might get to go.
today he found out.
he got the tickets.
ok.
I'm happy for him.
......I have a baby on May 22 and he flies to the farthest continent from here on June 5th spending thousands of dollars on airfare and etc, being gone for 10 days.....
you know what this means, right?......
I get whatever stroller I want......I mean WHATEVER stroller I want.....I mean money is no object, my manchild will be strolled in whateverthehell stroller I want....that's what that means.
Today we were having our after school snack of nachos during the time of day when the girls both have come unhinged from fatigue and punch drunkenness and there is usually uncontrolled laughing and yelling and disregard for parental utterance.
Friday is the only day of the week we can have quiet time because it's a short day at kindergarten so Dellah gets out at 1:55 instead of 3:35. Knowing that there is a possibility that I could rest makes me anxious to get the show on the road already but, as part of my new and improved zen parenting movement, I show great restraint giving calm warnings and speaking rationally while being met with utter deafness and escalating mayhem...Seven tortilla chips with cheese on them, people...not even the big triangle ones, but the little scoopy ones and they've both got 3 left after 20 minutes? i don't think so. I could feel the tea pot starting that boil where you can almost hear the whistle but not quite and I didn't yell. I didn't physically harm them. The crazy got to it's apex and i calmly took their plates and put them by the sink informing them that they must be out of their minds if they think I'm letting them sit there and waste any more time....yes, i said, 'you must be out of your MINDS!'
as per a prior post, you well know that Dellah then launches in to her "Mom, I'm going to STARVE! I'm going to starve and throw UP!" in her most defiant tone, a preview of 10 years from now in technicolor, to which I replied, "I am giving you a swat on the bottom (which i did). You NEVER speak to me like that....EVER." All with the utmost love and sternness.
I grabbed their hands and walked them both upstairs explaining that consequences cannot be avoided and I'm very sorry they chose to disobey but I have to be a good mom and this is what good moms do.
In 5 minutes they were both lying down in their respective quiet time spots giving me kisses and saying 'night, night' with nary a thought of nachos to be had.
you know what this means, right?
something.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
knock, knock, who's there?
So I woke up this morning with my same resolve to be a better parent and the girls seemed to be cooperating so I was glad. I've mentioned before that Ruby isn't quite sure of any of the abc's or shapes or colors, etc and any effort to try and have her focus on them ends in a prompt search for something/anything else for her to focus on....After breakfast, Ruby brings this big preschool preparedness book over and says she wants to 'wite innit'. This happens about once a week that Ruby wants to feel like she has assignments like Dellah and I get to patiently sit with her while she just scribbles all over the book. There's a page for each letter to practice writing it and those are just a joke normally but today I was feeling full of the essence of good will toward all so I said, "would you like to learn about 'R's since your name starts with R?
She said yes so we started tracing R's and then it was time to freehand it and I braced myself......and then she drew a vertical line.....and then a fat belly to the mid line.......and then a diagonal line from the belly to the bottom line......by golly it was an R!
I had such a big cow of overjoyment that she felt compelled to learn u's as well.....and then b's and y's.....at the conclusion of this exercise in larynx weakening cheers and sighs over her motivation to excel at something/anything, i asked Dellah (who was making it clear the entire time how good she already is at writing these letters, needing me to say, 'you're right, you are such a big, smart girl and now you can help teach Ruby!') to go get a piece of white paper so I could see if it were possible to put this all together.
the child wrote RUBY.
she just wrote it. The girl who can't find the shirt she just took off and can't switch from house to car or car to other place or even living room to bedroom without an extreme show of inability to calm down and stop screaming. The girl who called her own sister Wooby for over 3 years and can't figure out the intricate mystery that is 'putting on your socks', learned to write and wrote her name 10 minutes.
the lights are on and someone's home!! these are the moments i have to savor because tomorrow, chances are, she'll act like it never happened.
there's this part in Mansfield Park where Fanny and Edmund are in the carriage after a long separation and Edmund says, "I should think you and I are beyond words when words so clearly are not enough......and then he puts his hand down on the seat and she puts her hand down beside his and then he inches his hand over hers and later he falls asleep and leans on her shoulder as she looks down at him....."
that's all.
I'm in love with that movie.
i used the crock pot today. We're having chicken toastadas and beans and I'm very domesticated. I've even done 3 loads of laundry
.....now who's going to fold them? I miss Josefina and how she used to come and clean our house. I used to think she wasn't very thorough and now I wonder what I was thinking....
did I mention we sold our Chrysler Pacifica a couple of weeks ago? I know! I'm so excited.....you know what this means, don't you? This means that an acura mdx is going to come and live with us and we can love it and pat it and squeeze it and call it George. the auction is in Vegas next friday.....hopefully Gabriel can find something good and bring it hither so I can stop driving his car and picking him up at the traxx every afternoon. can you really get a baby and an mdx in the same year? I wanted both of these things for years and now they're coming like magic.....belated, delicious magic....I feel like the dread pirate roberts with nothing to do now that i've had my revenge....
maybe I'll fold laundry......
or take a nap......or a shower.....or a break...
She said yes so we started tracing R's and then it was time to freehand it and I braced myself......and then she drew a vertical line.....and then a fat belly to the mid line.......and then a diagonal line from the belly to the bottom line......by golly it was an R!
I had such a big cow of overjoyment that she felt compelled to learn u's as well.....and then b's and y's.....at the conclusion of this exercise in larynx weakening cheers and sighs over her motivation to excel at something/anything, i asked Dellah (who was making it clear the entire time how good she already is at writing these letters, needing me to say, 'you're right, you are such a big, smart girl and now you can help teach Ruby!') to go get a piece of white paper so I could see if it were possible to put this all together.
the child wrote RUBY.
she just wrote it. The girl who can't find the shirt she just took off and can't switch from house to car or car to other place or even living room to bedroom without an extreme show of inability to calm down and stop screaming. The girl who called her own sister Wooby for over 3 years and can't figure out the intricate mystery that is 'putting on your socks', learned to write and wrote her name 10 minutes.
the lights are on and someone's home!! these are the moments i have to savor because tomorrow, chances are, she'll act like it never happened.
there's this part in Mansfield Park where Fanny and Edmund are in the carriage after a long separation and Edmund says, "I should think you and I are beyond words when words so clearly are not enough......and then he puts his hand down on the seat and she puts her hand down beside his and then he inches his hand over hers and later he falls asleep and leans on her shoulder as she looks down at him....."
that's all.
I'm in love with that movie.
i used the crock pot today. We're having chicken toastadas and beans and I'm very domesticated. I've even done 3 loads of laundry
.....now who's going to fold them? I miss Josefina and how she used to come and clean our house. I used to think she wasn't very thorough and now I wonder what I was thinking....
did I mention we sold our Chrysler Pacifica a couple of weeks ago? I know! I'm so excited.....you know what this means, don't you? This means that an acura mdx is going to come and live with us and we can love it and pat it and squeeze it and call it George. the auction is in Vegas next friday.....hopefully Gabriel can find something good and bring it hither so I can stop driving his car and picking him up at the traxx every afternoon. can you really get a baby and an mdx in the same year? I wanted both of these things for years and now they're coming like magic.....belated, delicious magic....I feel like the dread pirate roberts with nothing to do now that i've had my revenge....
maybe I'll fold laundry......
or take a nap......or a shower.....or a break...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
my chemical romance
I think about bi-annually I become aware that I cannot stop taking Wellbutrin and still be normal. This is, in itself, pretty depressing, not even considering the actual depression necessitating the medication.
Do you ever feel like you just have a broken part in your life? Mine seems to be my inability to be Claire Huckstable and my children's inability to stop bossing each other around and speaking to each other like poop and crying those tantrum fits I've now been enduring for 4 years and 10 months from Ruby.
Yesterday I had to lock myself in my room and tell them I didn't want to look at them right now. Tonight I had to have that 'come to Jesus' speech I feel like I have about bi-annually (directly correlating to my attempts at lowering my milligrams and flying solo) where I laid down the fact that I can no longer live with no peace in my house.
I have this sinking feeling that I have irreparably damaged my children. I have this sneaking suspicion that without the super nannycoming to my house in her british taxi I may have no hope of surviving. I wish I were even kind of kidding but I'm not. I wake up every day and I think 'today is the day I'm not going to lose my cool and I'm going to be the version of myself I most want to be and I adore my children and I'm going to make sure they feel warm and smooshy inside every time I look at them'. Then by like time to leave for school I have already been a dork about putting on shoes at .2 miles per hour or ruby has had a cow about taking off her shirt and not being able to find it.....in the spot where she just put it....and she screams for 25 minutes without stopping about 10 different things before she stops or Dellah has just used 5 year old sarcasm when I say to her calmly, 'if you're not done with your cereal in 3 minutes we're going to have to leave it unfinished' and she replies "OH SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE? IF I DON'T EAT I'LL DIE, MOM! I CAN'T JUST HURRY, I'M CHEWING..."
yesterday at DI with my 4 and 5 year olds both screaming at the tippy top of their capacity like 2 year olds, i said to myself outloud....'i am in hell...i actually am in hell and this is actually my life'.
what am I doing wrong?
I'm like crippled by feeling that my kids are going to hate me or that they already do or they are scared of me or I'm going to hell or something.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There actually are lots of things to be happy about, I just have this creepy 'you're the absolute worst parent on the planet or your kids wouldn't be so horrid' feeling....
I just gotta get some perspective. sorry for the downer. i love you dear void.
Do you ever feel like you just have a broken part in your life? Mine seems to be my inability to be Claire Huckstable and my children's inability to stop bossing each other around and speaking to each other like poop and crying those tantrum fits I've now been enduring for 4 years and 10 months from Ruby.
Yesterday I had to lock myself in my room and tell them I didn't want to look at them right now. Tonight I had to have that 'come to Jesus' speech I feel like I have about bi-annually (directly correlating to my attempts at lowering my milligrams and flying solo) where I laid down the fact that I can no longer live with no peace in my house.
I have this sinking feeling that I have irreparably damaged my children. I have this sneaking suspicion that without the super nannycoming to my house in her british taxi I may have no hope of surviving. I wish I were even kind of kidding but I'm not. I wake up every day and I think 'today is the day I'm not going to lose my cool and I'm going to be the version of myself I most want to be and I adore my children and I'm going to make sure they feel warm and smooshy inside every time I look at them'. Then by like time to leave for school I have already been a dork about putting on shoes at .2 miles per hour or ruby has had a cow about taking off her shirt and not being able to find it.....in the spot where she just put it....and she screams for 25 minutes without stopping about 10 different things before she stops or Dellah has just used 5 year old sarcasm when I say to her calmly, 'if you're not done with your cereal in 3 minutes we're going to have to leave it unfinished' and she replies "OH SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE? IF I DON'T EAT I'LL DIE, MOM! I CAN'T JUST HURRY, I'M CHEWING..."
yesterday at DI with my 4 and 5 year olds both screaming at the tippy top of their capacity like 2 year olds, i said to myself outloud....'i am in hell...i actually am in hell and this is actually my life'.
what am I doing wrong?
I'm like crippled by feeling that my kids are going to hate me or that they already do or they are scared of me or I'm going to hell or something.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
There actually are lots of things to be happy about, I just have this creepy 'you're the absolute worst parent on the planet or your kids wouldn't be so horrid' feeling....
I just gotta get some perspective. sorry for the downer. i love you dear void.
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